Senator Joe Biden

First cab off the rank is Senator Joseph Biden, whose main claim to fame is one of the stupidest, girliest middle names in US political history - "Robinette". (Seriously... what is it with American politicians and their stupid names. Newt? Robinette? BOB DOLE?)

Biden has the distinct advantage of having one of those ‘made for daytime TV careers' - you know, tinged with personal tragedy and heartbreak. His first wife and one of his kids died just before he first got elected to the Senate. He also possesses a Sitcom-Father-Unnaturally-White-Smile, a must-have accessory for any candidate.

Biden is the co-author of the ‘appease everyone at all costs' third-way approach to ‘fixing Iraq'. He's yet to comprehend that it won't work.

His candidacy is hampered by a few key points. First, no one knows who he is. Secondly, he's from Delaware, which means he probably grew up next door to Roseanne. Third, he's a lawyer - three strikes, and you are out, sir! Thanks for playing.

Senator Chris Dodd

Next up is Senator Christopher John Dodd. He's a Gemini, who enjoys long walks on the beach at sunset, playing racquetball with his buddies and making a mockery of his own religious views. A hardcore Roman Catholic, Dodd's onto his second wife already - a sure sign that his faith, a big selling point in any US politician, is shaky at best.

Americans for Democratic Action have Dodd rated at about 95 percent, meaning he's ‘left of centre' - interesting for a man who announced his candidacy on the programme of disgraced shock jock Don Imus.

Dodd's voting record shows that he's pretty green - he voted along the recommended lines of the League of Conservation Voters 80-100% of the time from 1999 to 2006, and the Justice League of America 75% of the time this year alone. Dodd doesn't like guns, thinks gay civil unions should be allowed, thinks that the embargo on Cuba should be lifted and that the US was too harsh on the Sandinistas. In short, he has 0% chance of success.

Former Senator John Edwards

Former Senator John Edwards is well-known to the American voting public, having come second in the previous race for Vice President and hosted his own TV show where he talks to dead people (Sorry. Wrong guy. That's John Edward. My bad.).

Edwards is a perennial loser, whose career and personal life has been dogged by bad luck and misfortune. His wife has cancer, his son is dead and he's still just a Senator - from North Carolina of all places. Eewww.

Edwards holds the title of Most Hawkish Democrat Candidate^TM, having co-sponsored Joe "The Mad Bomber" Lieberman's S.J.RES.46 Iraq War Resolution, which knocked the shit out of Iraq, before plunging it into a terrifying civil war that still rages today. He also supported the Patriot Act, which means that he has personally read every single email you've ever sent to the continental United States, and is allowed to lurk on MySpace whenever he likes.

Most notable point in the Edwards campaign came when the website announcing his candidacy went live a day before he did, spilling the beans and ruining any chance he had of making the grand entrance required of a presidential hopeful. He is surrounded by the stench of death and will lose any election he runs for. I know this because I have contacted the spirit world and even they won't vote for him.

Former Senator Mike Gravel

Former Senator Mike Gravel is an interesting character. However, he's hampered from the get-go by a couple of striking points. Firstly, his real name isn't even Mike - it's Maurice. This means that, according to the Steve Miller Band, Gravel isn't even a real person - he's a space cowboy. Also, he's from Springfield, which means he knows the Simpsons. He has only has four fingers, but is noted for being ‘quite animated'.

Truth be told, Gravel is a bit of a hero. While chairing a do-nothing, go-nowhere Senate sub-committee in 1971 (I think it had something to do with drainage and roads), he entered into the record 4100 pages of a secret Pentagon report on the US involvement in Vietnam, making public the fact that the US had bombed Laos and deliberately expanded its role in the war, despite assurances by then-President Lyndon Johnson that the US wouldn't do much more in Vietnam than buy a few souvenirs and eat a few bowls of pho.

Sadly, Gravel's campaign is doomed to failure. He has no money, and is 50,000 years old (approximately). I'll give you all $10,000 if he wins.

Representative Dennis Kucinich

Oh Dennis, you old fuddy-duddy. Dennis is a loveable old rogue from Cleveland (which means Drew Carey probably voted for him at some stage. Presumably it was while he was still slim enough to fit into a voting booth).

Kucinich is the living, breathing definition of appeaser and apologist, even going so far as to recommend that the United States develop a Cabinet-level Department of Peace. Seriously.

He is, quite possibly, the wettest candidate to ever run for President in the history of the United States. No more death penalty, abortions for everyone, gay people getting married, ratifying the Kyoto Treaty... the list goes on.

Intriguingly, he wants to end the War on Drugs. I urge you all to vote for him now. No one can fight a war on drugs - they're too busy eating donuts and wondering where the remote went this time...

Senator Barack Obama

Arguably the second-most popular black man in America (after Oprah Winfrey), Senator Barack Obama is looking good in the race for the nomination. Pundits believe that his name, as crazy as it is, could either harm or help him, depending on how you look at it. While his surname sounds a bit too much like "Osama" for some people, the fact that his first name means "Where soldiers sleep" should help those who feel that he's soft on terrorism overcome their fears.

Obama's in a strange position on the race issue. Described as "too black" by white voters, and "too white" by black voters, his multi-racial background may hamper his chances a little.

One of Obama's strong points is his admission that he's used drugs. But despite his being a confirmed teenage stoner and coke-head, Obama's had a pretty easy run into politics. He was gifted his Senate seat when strong Republican opponent Jack Ryan was outed by his ex-wife for taking her to sex clubs and asking her to fuck in front of a room full of strangers.

His enormous popularity can be put down to a couple of things, most notably his remarkable physical stature, winsome smile and massive hands. He's a black Anthony Robbins, promising to Awaken the Giant Within America. My money's on him to grab the VP slot and run with Hillary Clinton.

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton

Hillary's a front runner in this race, and for very good reason. She's got bragging rights over her husband to secure (I was a better President than you could ever hope to be, so get your fat cheating ass back into the kitchen and do some fucking dishes.) And I firmly believe that, with Oprah's help, Hillary will mobilise every single chick in the United States to vote for her. Because the chick vote is solid.

Not short of a dollar, the Delightful Miss Hillary has already raised nearly $30 million to fund her campaign, most of it rumoured to come from the sale of stolen art from the White House and several dodgy land deals in Arkansas. A noted hater of country music, Ms Clinton outraged millions of hat-wearing, gun-toting, line-dancing types by comparing herself to Tammy Wynette. Showing characteristic political aplomb, Clinton fixed the situation by publishing a series of cookie recipes (I wish I was making this up, but I'm not).

[Article]Meet The Nominees, part 1: Democrats Travis    May 17th, 2007 - 7:48 PM Arguably the second-most popular black man in America (after Oprah Winfrey), I didn't realise that Oprah Winfery was a man.

[Article]Meet The Nominees, part 1: Democrats pseudonym    May 17th, 2007 - 7:50 PM Return to article Quote The race is on, ladies and gentlemen, for the Democratic Party nomination for President in 2008. In the interests of presenting a fair and balanced view of the upcoming Presidential Election, we're pleased to bring you the first (and possibly the last, but hell... we can hope, right?) instalment of our Election 2008 (But Really the Vote's in 2007, so Sshhhh) coverage.   Nice article, Gregor. Personally I feel sorry for Dodd.  Although to base your platform on opposing gun ownership and supporting gay marriage in the USofA is big-yellow-schoolbus stupid.

Re: [Article]Meet The Nominees, part 1: Democrats gregor    May 17th, 2007 - 8:00 PM Quote from: Travis on May 18, 2007, 11:48:59 AM Arguably the second-most popular black man in America (after Oprah Winfrey), I didn't realise that Oprah Winfery was a man.  dude. it's a joke. you know... haha. a ridiculous overstatment of a clearly incorrect factoid made purely for comedic value. just laugh, and move on.

[Article]Meet The Nominees, part 1: Democrats Biscuit    May 17th, 2007 - 8:09 PM Alas, it's true. Oprah is a man. Nice job Gregor. A great come-back from "What I did on my holidays" - you have redeemed yourself! (well, to me at least)

Re: [Article]Meet The Nominees, part 1: Democrats Fritz    May 17th, 2007 - 8:44 PM   Good work gregor, I am now informed. You should get this into some US publication. problem is, they may take it seriously.

Re: [Article]Meet The Nominees, part 1: Democrats scooper    May 18th, 2007 - 12:35 AM what is it with American politicians and their stupid names. Newt? Robinette? The US National Security Adviser during the Vietnam era was a man called McGeorge Bundy.

[Article]Meet The Nominees, part 1: Democrats Wolfe Tone    May 19th, 2007 - 12:27 AM Very clever

[Article]Meet The Nominees, part 1: Democrats Laura Mackey    May 19th, 2007 - 6:25 PM As an American woman, I wouldn't vote for Hillary if you put a gun to my head, or any of these morons either. Please God, make Fred Thompson run!

[Article]Meet The Nominees, part 1: Democrats emmachiz    May 20th, 2007 - 5:17 AM ha ha, very well done

Re: [Article]Meet The Nominees, part 1: Democrats bollocks    May 27th, 2007 - 11:51 AM Quote from: Laura Mackey on May 20, 2007, 10:25:56 AM As an American woman, I wouldn't vote for Hillary if you put a gun to my head, or any of these morons either. Please God, make Fred Thompson run! last time 'god' got involved in US politics, iraq got invaded.