And so it is with gusto and much fanfare that the band strikes up a stirring rendition of Stars and Stripes Forever, and the Grand Old Party's hopefuls assemble to be measured against the brutal yardstick of truth. Here they are, ladies and gentlemen - the men who would be President, should America decide for some unfathomable reason that the Republicans deserve another chance.

Senator Sam Brownback

Aside from having a name that just sounds dirty (no matter how you say it...), Brownback has barely blipped on the radar at all. Mainstream press outlets suggest that he's little-known beyond the borders of his home state, Kansas (home to Dorothy, from the Wizard of Oz... hmmm...) he's using a network of Christian Activists to boost his campaign. So - his name's Brownback, he's a friend of Dorothy and he's relying on Christian Activists to gain notoriety. I think he might be gay.

Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course - unless you're Sam Brownback. He's vehemently opposed to same-sex marriage, and wants intelligent design taught in schools. As a strong Roman Catholic, he's made light of the plight of the Jewish people during WWII by comparing their suffering to that of aborted babies, calling the number of terminations in the United States as ‘a holocaust'. He should know by now that the word ‘holocaust' has been trademarked by the American Council of Jewry, and that he's leaving himself open to lawsuits aplenty and ridicule at the hands of the "Jewish-Controlled-Media" should he be elected. But it's okay, because he won't be.

John Cox

John Cox, whose main claim to fame is that he's a Certified Practicing Accountant (as opposed to an accountant who has stopped practicing, and is now accounting for real...), is a definite man of mystery and numbers. So he probably knows how to access the hidden Tetris game in Microsoft Excel, but probably wouldn't be the kind of person to actually play it.

According to his bio, he has run for the Senate, Congress and even a local government position, failing miserably at every turn. Like any good accountant, his paperwork is right up to date, even if it makes him look like an idiot. So far in 2007, Cox has raised a measly total of $2668 for his campaign. Oh, and loaned himself $745,000 - a very smart move considering he's probably charging himself a 20 point vig. He advocates a GST-style national tax over income tax.

If Cox gets up, I will eat the entire planet. Including bicycles.

Former Governer Jim Gilmore

The American public should be very wary of this bloke. A former spook who served for three years in West Germany, he became the Governor of Virginia. That's where the Pentagon is. So it stands to reason that the man's a spy. But whose side is he on now? He worked counter-intelligence, and I've watched The Bourne Identity a couple of times and some James Bond films and I can't figure this guy out at all. He's that good.

Jim Gilmore (if that's even his real name) is a real Republican's Republican. His dedication to tax relief knows no bounds - even when the economy of Virginia was failing after the airport was shut for months due to the 9/11 attacks on the Pentagon, Gilmore pushed ahead with his ‘abolish the Virginia Car Tax' agenda. Yes, he kept his promise - but he also crippled the state.

The one positive point: Gilmore's wife has the best middle name in politics - Gatling, after the massive guns on the front of attack helicopters. That should earn him a vote or two.

Former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani

The man who held New York together in the wake of 9/11 is a man on a mission. Consistently calling the Democrats on their inability to handle terrorism, he seems to have forgotten that he himself is very good at handling terrorism after it's happened - no guarantees on how he'll go before it happens though.

That aside, Giuliani's a mess of contradictions - a devoted pro-choice Roman Catholic who's just backed out of his third marriage. Also, when he smiles, it looks like he's got too many top teeth, and no bottom teeth at all. And he's bald.

He'll be the first Italian-American in the White House if he wins, making him the official capo di tutti capo for life. Osama Bin Laden can expect to wake up one morning with a yak's head in his bed.

Expect to see Giuliani on the ticket when the nomination dust settles, but where he'll sit is anyone's guess at the moment - I think he's looking good for VP.

Former Governor Mike Huckabee

Hailing from Arkansas, Michael Dale Huckabee is a bit of a dark horse. Following a career in the gubernatorial mansion once inhabited by the Clinton clan, the most striking thing Huckabee's done is lose a massive amount of weight in a very, very short time. Which makes him the Biggest Loser. This included him losing the Governor's position to Mike Beebe.

A shrewd political operator, Huckabee and his missus attempted to circumvent the laws concerning political gifts to incumbent governors by setting up "bridal" registries at a couple of shops prior to a housewarming party they were holding, so that their friends could buy them stuff without them having to report it - the only gifts worth more than $100 allowable to governers are wedding gifts. Of course, he got busted.

He's also under loose investigation over his love of flying - and his loathing of paying for it. The state police jet (they have their own jet??? Awesome... just like Wonder Woman!) has been used by the governor to attend all sorts of official functions, like running in a marathon. Wait... what?

Like most people that have emerged from the Arkansas Governor's mansion, he smells just that little bit bent . Clinton was bent, and Huckabee only went into the job when his predecessor went to the wall over the Whitewater Scandal.

Everything in Arkansas politics is poisonous, this guy included.

Representative Duncan Hunter

I'd love to have a beer with Duncan - but he's a Baptist, so he probably doesn't drink. But by golly, I bet I could go hunting with him. For ducks... or Iraqis. You see, Duncan Hunter is what you'd call a warpig.

He served in Vietnam - I WANNA BE AN AIRBORNE RANGER - and is still a strong advocate of military might, the sword clearly being one helluva lot mightier than the sword. Even his Political Action Committee is a fair indication of where his allegiances lie: "Peace through Strength" it's called, harking back to a military doctrine so out-dated that even Ronald Reagan is spinning in his grave at the thought of it being reworked in the new millennium.

Essentially, it'll mean a return to Cold War Era arms races and sabre rattling should Hunter find his way to the White House. My guess is it'll be with China, rather than Russia, as Hunter's an outspoken critic of China in all its forms - trade, race, freedoms, etc. Probably because he fought in Vietnam, and has a longer memory than most other Americans.

Senator John McCain

War Hero. Outspoken political critic. Military strongman! John McCain is probably gonna grab the nomination and run with it, despite his supporters, minders, speech-writers and handlers glossing over what is quite possibly the single greatest selling point for voters - he comes as a two-for-one. For President, we have John McCain - and for Vice President, we have that thing growing out of the side of his face. Seriously - what is that? He seems to be able to inflate it at will.

On the plus side is the fact that McCain spent five and a half years as a POW. Not even I will make a joke about that.

I will, however, mention that he likes to make fun of Ugly Little Chelsea Clinton, call Vietnamese people "Gooks" and consistently puts his foot in his mouth (that might be what that thing is...)

The best example I could find was his profound enthusiasm and positivity regarding the ‘situation' in Iraq. He made a personal visit to a Baghdad market on April 1 this year, loudly proclaiming that "things are better and there are encouraging signs". To help provide a neat puncutation to that little speech, the locals promptly turned up at the very same market the next day, and slaughtered 21 workers and children. Ho ho ho.

And after making a joke about bringing Jon Stewart a souvenir IED from Iraq, he responded to his critics by telling them to lighten up and get a life. Because the War in Iraq is the Funniest Show on TV. McCain will be the Republican nominee, unless things change, in which case he won't be.

Former Governor Mitt Romney

Now this guy's got some serious religious credentials - he's descended from an actual apostle of the Church of Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints. No, really... he is. His great-great-grandad Parley Pratt knew Joseph Smith personally, and believed him when he started rambling about an angel called Moroni and a set of golden plates covered in a language that only Smith was able to decipher that Smith ‘translated' into the Book of Morman before the angel Moroni took the plates back although some people believe that the plates are buried on the Smith family farm, along with the Sword of Laban that was used by a really, really old Jewish guy to kill a few other people to stop them from taking a set of engraved plates (brass ones this time) that had a copy of his family tree on them, plus yet another set of plates (again brass, this time bell-shaped) that describes something called "The Descent of Ham through the loins of the Pharoah", which sounds not only improbable but incredibly painful.

Romney's great-great-grandad also bought into the whole polygamy thing (greedy sods) and believed that Smith had personally spoken to an angel, and wasn't a lunatic. Romney's great-great-grandad was brutally murdered - which is hardly surprising, given the size of his moustache, and the fact that he took as his second wife a woman who was, inconveniently, already married to someone else.

So - there, in a nutshell, are the religious and family ties that Mitt Romney has to Mormonism. And he wants to be the President. Yeah, right...

Representative Tom Tancredo

Tom Tancredo, or ‘Uncle Tom' as some folks call him (mostly his nephews and nieces, I believe...) is a refreshing breath of stale paleoconservative wind through the burgeoning neo-con ranks of the current administration. He's your typical, old-school conservative - doesn't like immigrants, is anti-abortion and hasn't grasped the irony of calling his Political Action Committee "Team America".

In 2002, Tancredo sponsored the Sudan Peace Act, which stated that "a viable, comprehensive, and internationally sponsored peace process, protected from manipulation, presents the best chance for a permanent resolution of the war, protection of human rights, and a self-sustaining Sudan."

Since then, Sudan has been steadily embroiled in a horrifying civil war, with a death toll somewhere up in the millions, and the US - including Tancredo - has done precisely fucking nothing about it, culminating in the Darfur genocide.

Most recently, Tancredo was banned from appearing at a restaurant called the Rusty Pelican in Miami, after he referred to the city as a Third World Country, in reference to its Hispanic population. Heh... Rusty Pelican. Idiots.

Tommy Thompson

Tommy Thompson was a member of the Bush Cabinet, serving as the Secretary of Health and Human Services. During that time, he championed a number of broad changes to the American healthcare system that benefited medical companies, lawyers and high-level consultancy companies. At the time, he was President of a medical company, a senior partner at a law firm and a senior advisor at a consulting firm. Coincidence? I think not...

He formed a lasting impression with Jewish voters by referring to the Anti-Defamation League as the "Jewish Defence League". Oops.

He's currently on the board of directors of Applied Digital Solutions, the company that makes Veri-Chips - devices designed to be implanted under the skin, which will hold medical and banking records. In other words, he wants to barcode every single person in the United States. This guy's not funny - he's scary. Really scary. FEAR HIM.

Re: [Article]Meet The Nominees Part 2: Republicans Catriona McKay    May 24th, 2007 - 10:18 AM Ahhh....this is why half of America doesn't vote...

Re: [Article]Meet The Nominees Part 2: Republicans pseudonym    May 24th, 2007 - 9:35 PM Gregor, another great piece.    I'm glad you're writing again on a semi-regular basis! But... wow... the Republicans really have nothing this election.  Every one of those candidates is a freak.  I don't think much of Hilary and co, but up against this lot, it would seem that the Dems have it in the bag.  Then again, had you done a "meet the candidates" piece 8 years ago and given the same kind of treatment to GW, I would've laughed and said the same thing.

Re: [Article]Meet The Nominees Part 2: Republicans Pinball Neil    May 25th, 2007 - 1:24 AM Quote a yak's head in his bed Haha, informative and amusing!

Re: [Article]Meet The Nominees Part 2: Republicans The Rogue Doll    May 25th, 2007 - 1:41 AM The way I see it after reading these articles is that the poor American people are screwed no matter who they choose. Thank God that here in Australia our choices are so much better.

Re: [Article]Meet The Nominees Part 2: Republicans Netmerc    June 3rd, 2007 - 1:48 AM What ever happened to big Arnie's designs on the presidency? Conan: The election was also a Victory for Arnold Schwarzenegger, who's referendum on Stem cell research passed in California. Arnold Schwarzenegger "lips": Was my initiative! I'll create an army Conan: Clones? Arnold Schwarzenegger "lips": Ya, ya. The Clones with alien cyborgs, to build an unstoppable cyberclone voting bloc -- and then the cyberclone voters will say, "Arnold, you must be the next President after Bush!" Conan: now, wait a minute, wait a minute, Arnold, you can't be President. You weren't born in America. Arnold Schwarzenegger "lips": The cyberclones don't care about that! they only care about strong leadership and fiscal responsibility! Conan: oh, I see. Arnold, it's in the constituion Arnold Schwarzenegger "lips": the cyberclones the eat constitutions! Their cyberbellies with nutrient-rich -- they will then lift me to the white house, where I sit down on my desk, and pull the cigar out of my mouth, turn to the camera and say -- "it's clonely at the top."