The Federal Government has promised to crack down on D-listers posing as genuine stars with a radical new identity card, stamped 'Not For Red Carpet Usage". The non-entity cards are to be issued to ex-reality TV stars, lifestyle show hosts and Kate Fischer.

"For too long, half-baked mediocrities like Mark Holden and Sami Lucas have terrorised Australians during movie openings, charity events and station promos," the Prime Minister announced. 'We must put an end to this senseless slaughter of viewers' evenings at once."

The new cards will contain all the cardholders' particulars, from their novelty singles to their endorsements on late-night infomercials. They will apply nationwide, stopping wannabes from taking refuge in less discrimating places, such as the Channel Ten studios. Officials hope to have the system fully in place by next year's Logies awards, traditionally a bumper period for celebrity fraud.
 
However, civil liberties groups have expressed outrage at the new regulations, suggesting they may prove ineffective in combatting delusions of stardom. 'Let Mark Holden pretend he's a genuine celebrity. He's not fooling anyone," said civil liberties campaigner Julian Burnside. 'The fact is you will never eliminate would-be celebrities until you eliminate the regimes developing them, like Big Brother."
 
"The Government should just ignore Mark Holden," he said. "Like everybody else does."