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Tom, Katie unwrap 391st wedding e-meter

After opening their wedding presents, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have scored 62 copies of Dianetics, 391 “e-meters” and 17,042 free informational DVDs about Scientology. Some of the wedding guests have attributed the enormous overlap to the difficulty of picking gifts for the couple that has everything. “I gave them one of those Scientology e-meter devices because I knew they’d have to pretend to like it,” one friend said. “Just like Katie’s family had to pretend they liked their once-Catholic daughter being brainwashed by a freaky religious cult.”

The newlyweds have been criticised for not meeting any of the locals, but many Maldivians say they are relieved. “It would be very embarrassing to have to tell such famous people that I wasn’t interested in learning more about Scientology,” one villager said. “Nor could I have let Tom visit my home – my sofa just isn’t strong enough.”

Cruise and Holmes exchanged rings, vows and personality tests at a charming ceremony at a castle near the Italian town of Bracciano. “I found the whole thing bizarre, nonsensical and ultimately deeply disturbing,” one attendee said. “So you could say they opted for a traditional Scientology service.”

“We all felt for poor Katie,” a close friend of the bride said. “After they made her stay silent during her birth, I was hoping she’d choose to stay silent during the vows as well.”

Cruise has described himself as very happy to be married. “It has had its difficult points – there have been lots of rumours that I’m crazy, my career’s finished, and someone else is Suri’s father” he said. “But what really matters is that there are no more rumours that I’m gay.”

For her part, the radiant bride has described herself as “whatever Tom says I am.”