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Angry God lashes out at Grammy winners: “Don’t thank me for your crappy awards”

[Edition 35] HOLLYWOOD, Saturday: An angry and defiant God has broken his eternal silence with a thunderous attack on several winners from the recent Grammy Awards. The Supreme Being lashed out at suggestions that he was somehow responsible for the granting of Grammies and the careers of some rock, rap and country musicians.

God botherer … Stevie Wonder

[Edition 35] HOLLYWOOD, Saturday: An angry and defiant God has broken his eternal silence with a thunderous attack on several winners from the recent Grammy Awards.

In a statement issued from a golden cloud in the heart of Heaven, the Supreme Being lashed out at suggestions that he was somehow responsible for the granting of Grammies and the careers of some rock, rap and country musicians.

“I bitterly resent the insinuation that I am to be credited with victories in such base temporal matters” , the statement read ” I had nothing to do with your awards or your chart sales or your record deals or your silly riffs. That kind of stuff is far more likely to be the work of Satan- God knows the entire music industry is run by his minions”.

The American Music Awards were not the only target of the Almighty ‘s wrath: “While the Grammies were the straw that broke the camel’s back, I have long been angered by the repeated and gratiutious use of my name in vain (and vanity) and am tired of constantly being held responsible for all manner of earthly affairs. I am used to being blamed for Acts of God or foresaking one person or another, but being thanked for something that I quite frankly see as merely a worthless victory for some soulless arsehole is something I simply cannot abide.

The Oscars are another case in point and I am hoping that my words will bring a cease to insulting pap of this kind at the March ceremony.”

The Greatest Power in the Universe also stated that he wished to clarify once and for all that I had nothing to do with the recent victory of George W.Bush, despite the President-elect’s claims that he had God as a runnning mate and campaign manager. “As the Almighty, the Creator of the Earth, the Ruler of All Things, it would hardly be appropriate for me to take sides in political issues. I have never and will never, take a partisan stance on any matter of state, although I admit to getting a little worried about Reagan back there for a while.”

The outburst has shocked the religious and entertainment world, who have declared it the work of Satan and voted unanimously to ignore it. Despite a worldwide plea for a reappearance and a rumoured seven figure offer from the Oprah Winfrey show, the Almighty has declined to comment further.