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Friend claims Kidman-Cruise divorce a sham to hide happy heterosexual marriage

[Edition 33] HOLLYWOOD, Sunday: Hollywood has been rife with speculation about the causes of the Kidman-Cruise divorce since its announcement last week. One unnamed friend, however, believes the divorce is little more than a sham to throw the press’ scent off Tom and Nicole’s real intention: a normal, healthy relationship where they actually have, and enjoy, sexual intercourse.

Cruise…concerned.

[Edition 33] HOLLYWOOD, Sunday: Hollywood has been rife with speculation about the causes of the Kidman-Cruise divorce since its announcement last week. One unnamed friend, however, believes the divorce is little more than a sham to throw the press’ scent off Tom and Nicole’s real intention: a normal, healthy relationship where they actually have, and enjoy, sexual intercourse.

“When you’re as powerful as Tom is in Hollywood, you have to go to great lengths to hide sexual deviance, and staying faithfully married for more than 11 years is about as deviant as you can get in this town,” said the friend, who also predicts that Nicole will soon announce her pregnancy to an ‘unknown’ father. “Nicole wants to look like she’s following along with that whole hip single mother Calista Flockhart trend, and Tom wants to retain that whole is-he isn’t-he gender-bending mystique,” she explains. The source has revealed that, in an attempt to build of their new sham status, the couple will shortly film a sequel to Far and Away, to be entitled Even Further Away.

One Australian friend of Kidman’s, however, disagrees with this theory. “They had to adopt, remember?” she explained. “For Tom, having kids is just a Mission Impossible.” The friend also blames Cruise’s involvement with the controversial Church of Scientology, which among other things believes that the surface of the planet Earth was formed by bombs dropped from the spaceship of a malevolent alien called Xenu. “Tom always used to read Nicole all these great science fiction stories by L. Ron Hubbard,” she said. “But then she discovered he actually believed they were true.” Kidman’s friend claims that the final straw for Kidman was Cruise’s announcement that he would co-star with John Travolta in Battlefield Earth 2.

The star’s friend also believes that the split is a blessing in disguise for Kidman. “He was really holding her career back,” she said. “Now Nicole can finally return to Australia for the project she’s been waiting 18 year to do: BMX Bandits 2.” The sequel to the 1983 classic, in which a middle-aged Kidman is once again forced to mount her trusty BMX bike to defeat some nefarious crooks who are terrorising Manly shopping centre, will start filming “just as soon as Nicole remembers how to do that sick wheelie of hers.”