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Atkins confounds critics: loses 10 kg in 7 days after death

[Edition 82] In the wake of Atkins’ example, many of his devoted followers are committing suicide in a bid to shed unwanted flab. “Taking my own life seemed stupid at first,” admitted one follower. “But it’s really no stupider than expecting to lose weight by eating KFC, soft cheeses and bacon all day. So what the hell?”


Atkins’ fat content was so high he was a perfect Atkins Diet meal

[Edition 82] Controversial diet guru Dr Robert Atkins has hit back at claims he was fat when he died by losing an astonishing ten kilos in just seven days – results his widow ascribes to his low intake of carbs post-mortem.

“A lot of people say Bob was fat when he died,” his wife said. “But that was just a side-effect of the medication for his heart disease. Now that he’s off the pills and back on the diet, the pounds are dropping off.”

In the wake of Atkins’ example, many of his devoted followers are committing suicide in a bid to shed unwanted flab. “Taking my own life seemed stupid at first,” admitted one follower. “But it’s really no stupider than expecting to lose weight by eating KFC, soft cheeses and bacon all day. So what the hell?”

Across Hollywood, celebrities are also following the “Lose Life to Lose Pounds” fad, dying in preparation for the northern Summer. Jennifer Aniston was one of the first dead, now claiming a 10% reduction in waistline and 100% improvement in acting prowess.
The American Medical Association, a long-time critic of Atkins’ programs, has surprisingly endorsed the new diet. “The Atkins Diet will kill you anyway,” said an AMA spokesperson. “So you might as well cut out the middle man and lose even more weight.”

Meanwhile Atkins’ supporters continue to defend the late doctor against the rumours he was grossly overweight in his old age. “Sure he had a fat ratio of 40% when he died,” said Dr Stuart Trager, chairman of the Atkins Physicians Council. “But that just made him particularly nutritious. If only Bob had been able to eat himself, he might still be around today.”