[Edition 27] SYDNEY, Friday: In a move confirming the worst fears of conservatives, representatives of the gay community today announced a list of words they intend to hijack over the next five years. Among the terms slated for hijack are ‘happy’ – which will mean passive recipient of anal intercourse from the beginning of financial year 2002

Lighthearted, happy person.

[Edition 27] SYDNEY, Tuesday: In a move confirming the worst fears of conservatives, representatives of the gay community today announced a list of words they intend to hijack over the next five years.

“We’re pretty happy with what we’ve done to ‘gay’,” a spokesman said joyously. “Instead of ‘lighthearted’ or ‘male character in pre-1910 fiction’ everyone who sees the words instantly thinks of two moustaches gobbling each other’s helmet.”

Meetings of the Gays for Removing Innocence from the English Language have now decided that the time has come to expand their targets.

“Among the terms slated for hijack are ‘happy’ – which will mean passive recipient of anal intercourse from the beginning of financial year 2002 – to ‘appointment’ which now designates an amyl-nitrate soaked orgy in a public toilet. The meanings of the terms ‘amused’, ‘sardonic’ ‘insouciant’ ‘dentist’ and ‘plain upstanding bloke who objects to words being hijacked’ have also all been altered, to ‘fistfucker’.”

The move has the full backing – in the old sense – of a wide range of groups, including the ALP, the Uniting Church and the Trilateral Commission. However, church and other bodies have protested.

“This is a devastating attack on people who want to talk in a normal way,” said the Reverend Howard Nagle at a Kings Cross rally. He was later attacked by a phalanx of soaped-up linedancers who took his use of the word “devastating” and “normal” to be a clear invitation to perverted nipple clamping high jinks.