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NASDAQ rallies on report of guy who might buy something over Internet sometime

[Edition 30] The NASDAQ rallied today after firm reports that somebody had mentioned that they may one day purchase something over the internet. The unidentified man in his late 20s apparently sounded ‘pretty certain’ that he’d buy things over the Internet at some point.



The man was overheard on the subway by an internet analyst from Merrill Lynch while talking to an incredulous friend about the prospect.

The only previous sale by sockittome.com, sold to the CEO’s brother William Phillips.

[Edition 30] The NASDAQ rallied today after firm reports that somebody had mentioned that they may one day purchase something over the internet. The unidentified man in his late 20s apparently sounded ‘pretty certain’ that he’d buy things over the Internet at some point.

The man was overheard on the subway by an internet analyst from Merrill Lynch while talking to an incredulous friend about the prospect.

Market analysts claim that if rumours that the man has a credit card and a computer turn out to be true, the NASDAQ could hit an all-time high.

The Internet sock e-tailer sockittome.com was among the major stocks to benefit from the news. Acting quickly, the website employed consulting firm McKinsey and Company, which produced an elaborate statistical model suggesting that there was a 95% chance that the unknown man would be a purchaser of socks.

“When this guy does decide to buy online, we believe that we are one of the prime purchases that he will make. Everyone needs socks,” said sockitto-me.com CEO Randall Philips. “Who knows, if he buys 100,000 pairs of socks we may even be able to pay the invoice for the McKinsey’s consulting fees.”

Ernst Malmstein, the former CEO of boo.com, the notorious high fashion website that went broke earlier in the year owing over $30 million, said he regretted not being around to sell the man a few items. “Nothing on our inventory cost less than $200, so in the admittedly unlikely event he wanted to buy overpriced designer goods, we could have made a real inroads into our profit and loss figures,” he said.

Some traders were caught out by the report’s detail and found it difficult to fit into their current models of evaluation.
“All this talk of an actual customer tends to confuse things,” said one Sydney trader. “Normally we judge tech stocks on the paper they use for their prospectus, how trendy the design is, how cool the web address is and the number of well known businessmen who have risked their reputation in return for a shitload of stocks to sit on the Board.”