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Teenage Hackers Behind Shock Cabinet Reshuffle claims newly-appointed Minister For YoU BLOW GOATS

[Edition 24] CANBERRA, Thursday: Seasoned front-benchers and political greenhorns alike were joined in stunned surprise today, as a sudden Cabinet reshuffle radically altered the shape of the Federal Government.



The reshuffle, blamed on a suspected computer security breach at the Federal Parliament’s IT facility at Belconnen, has resulted in a radical change in the balance of power in the Federal Cabinet, with key portfolios being moved, Ministries being amalgamated or created, and the Prime Minister reluctant to re-order the new appointments until there had been a “full inquiry” into the affair.



Newly appointed Minister for YoU BLOW GOATS, and former Minister for Youth Affairs, Mr David Kemp, has been amongst the most trenchant critics of the proposed new front bench.

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[Edition 24] Canberra, Thursday: Seasoned front-benchers and political greenhorns alike were joined in stunned surprise today, as a sudden Cabinet reshuffle radically altered the shape of the Federal Government.

The reshuffle, blamed on a suspected computer security breach at the Federal Parliament’s IT facility at Belconnen, has resulted in a radical change in the balance of power in the Federal Cabinet, with key portfolios being moved, Ministries being amalgamated or created, and the Prime Minister reluctant to re-order the new appointments until there had been a “full inquiry” into the affair.

Newly appointed Minister for YoU BLOW GOATS, and former Minister for Youth Affairs, Mr David Kemp, has been amongst the most trenchant critics of the proposed new front bench. Speaking at an emergency session of both houses of Parliament called by Senior Balding Git, Wilson Tuckey, Scott lamented: “It’s an outrage, Mr Speaker, an outrage – how is Government meant to function when our own IT systems can’t be trusted! The Leader of the Opposition must take full resp.. – stop smirking there! This is not funny! There is nothing amusing about breaking into a Government system and replacing the picture of the PM of this great country with a poorly-scanned picture of an orang utan’s erect penis!”

The SpANker of the House then interjected, to break up the fracas, naming not only Opposition sitting members such as the Member for Grandler and the Leader of the Opposition, but being forced to prevent Government former back-benchers (including recently promoted Minister Assisting the Minister for Nob Jockeys, Ms Jackie Kelly) from leaving their seats in uproar.

Under the Constitution, Ministries are apportioned by the Department of the Prime Minister, who has the power to appoint members to the front bench so long as he enjoys the confidence of the House of Representatives. By convention, Ministers are appointed from within the elected members of the lower house, although the former Attorney-General’s Department was frantically working to establish the constitutionality of the appointments of the incoming Minister for Defence (“Big Derek”), Minister for Trade (“Waxxy Chick”) and Minister for Going Off (“My mate DaZZa goes fucken off”). The new appointments, sent under cover of email duly formatted by the Prime Minister’s Department, have force of law and, say leading constitutional lawyers, must be respected unless withdrawn by the PM. The former PM, Mr John Howard, suggested to reporters today that he was “minded” to reverse “most, if not all” of the appointments, although he and his legal advisors were not clear on whether his current status as Minister Responsible For Doing Rimjobs was compatible with the exercise of that type of executive authority.

Some have found their portfolios largely intact, although the PM’s Department’s instructions indicate a clear change of direction, which some senior political commentators have suggested is in keeping with Mr Howard’s previously-avowed intention to get ‘closer’ to the electorate. Senator Jocelyn Newman, who today found her portfolio of Family and Community Services now combined to form a new ‘super-Ministry’ including key social portfolios such as Skateboarding, METALLICA RULE and KISS MY (_x_), was one of few Government Ministers with her previous duties intact. She told ABC Radio earlier today that she did not expect any difficulties in getting on top of her new brief, which she characterised as a “logical” extension of Family and Community Services.