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Jerk who bats out of his league refuses to lower standards

[Edition 66] Searching for love beyond the blonde, beautiful, slim, young, upwardly-mobile, well-travelled and adoring demographic will increase the Ryde claims administrator’s chance of forming a successful partnership by up to 99.93%, the Macquarie University study found.

Horney… persists in trying to bat above the minor leagues

[Edition 66] SYDNEY, Tuesday: A new study reveals that 32-year-old single Ken Hornery will have to drop his standards in several key areas if he is to have even the faintest chance of finding the love he so desperately seeks.

Searching for love beyond the blonde, beautiful, slim, young, upwardly-mobile, well-travelled and adoring demographic will increase the Ryde claims administrator’s chance of forming a successful partnership by up to 99.93%, the Macquarie University study found.

But the overweight, balding single has rejected the findings of the landmark study. “I can’t help it if I happen to have a sexual preference for extremely beautiful and sexually adventurous women who are witty conversationalists ,” Mr Honery told a press conference yesterday.

“No one tries to make homosexuals change their sexual preference, and it’s high time the same courtesy was extended to jerks who bat out of their league.”

Mr Honery’s mates, like workmate Alan Dempster, have added weight to the claim that the Macquarie University study is flawed. Women who rejected Mr Honery were just stuck-up bitches, he said, adding that Mr Honery was a top bloke who deserved a real hottie.

“What do you expect him to do? Drop his standards and go with some ugly fat chick?”