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Obituary: Chelsea Clinton, Daughter of Bill Clinton, Died of ADD

[Edition 33] Friends and relatives gathered at the Clinton home in New York’s Harlem today, to pay their respects and mourn for the death of Chelsea Clinton, 22, a college student and one of the highest profile children of a US president in living memory.

Chelsea, moments before her death.

[Edition 33] Friends and relatives gathered at the Clinton home in New York’s Harlem today, to pay their respects and mourn for the death of Chelsea Clinton, 22, a college student and one of the highest profile children of a US president in living memory.

Medical experts believe that she died of a little-known form of attention-deficit disorder, where drastic reductions in the interest taken by the general public lead to a disastrous fall in metabolism over a short space of time. It is believed that a similar afflication has claimed the lives of many children of political leaders. Her doctors believe that the sudden wrenching transition, from being a little-known peripheral player on the tableau of world affairs, was simply too much of a shock to the system.

“Yesterday she was the subject of obscure trivia competition questions, bizarre fan web-sites and David Letterman monologues, and now all that’s been taken away from her” said Bill Clinton’s personal physician, who took time off from treating the former President to attend to Chelsea in her final days. “She was once seated on the very cusp between obscurity and minor celebrity, and then cast out into the bleak wilderness of non-newsworthiness. It is a clinical fact that few, if any, President’s children go on to do anything significant. I mean, just look at the past few Presidents, Reagan, Nixon, Bush, – who amongst their children even gets noticed nowadays?”

High-profile sporting heroes, Hollywood stars and political leaders around the world spoke warmly about the girl they knew, even if only distantly. The Prime Minister, John Howard, represented Australia and expressed the views of millions when he noted that Chelsea had had a special relationship with the people of Australia, remarking that she was “known for her punctuality, her love of flower-pressing and her tireless service to the people of Monaco”. Tony Blair recalled that he had first met Chelsea when she attended the funeral of Diana, the Princess of Wales. “I remember seeing her, nestled in amongst a whole bunch of Secret Service agents, and thinking: “Wow, Madeline Albright’s dyed her hair!”

Inevitably, there were some mix-ups, and good-natured ribbing of old friends. “Daughter?” growled Vladimir Putin. “That was his daughter? I thought the short red-head was Monica Lewinsky. If that was his daughter, who was the blond one who wouldn’t share a room with him?”.

Incoming US President, and – of course – Presidential child himself, George W Bush, gave the euology, remarking that “I always thought Chelsea was a muff-diver, but it turns out I got mixed-up – that was Dick Cheney’s little girl. Gee, was I ever poorly briefed! But seriously, folks: I fought to become President for all Chelseas, not just this Chelsea – but somehow that makes this Chelsea, our national, Amercian Chelsea, very special, special to me, special to all of you, special, most of all, to me and you. And to Chelsea. God bless this Chelsea, and the values for which she stands.”

Ewan Blair and Melanie Howard could not be contacted for comment today. Chelsea is survived by both parents and a large number of illegitimate half-siblings.