[Edition 68] SYDNEY, Thursday: Woolworths chief executive Roger Corbett was devastated today to report an 18.3% rise in profit under his management over the last year. The result means that, in line with long-established industry policy of only rewarding failure, Corbett and his board are unlikely to receive any financial incentives this year.

Woolies executives… will try harder to lose money next year

[Edition 68] SYDNEY, Thursday: Woolworths chief executive Roger Corbett was devastated today to report an 18.3% rise in profit under his management over the last year. The result means that, in line with long-established industry policy of only rewarding failure, Corbett and his board are unlikely to receive any financial incentives this year.

“This is a superb result for Woolworths shareholders and a horrendous result for me,” Corbett announced.

“I can assure everyone that I was genuinely trying to post a multi-billion dollar loss in search of an ill-deserved payout like AMP’s Paul Batchelor and Stan Wallis. But despite my mismanagement the vagaries of market forces have seen us post a modest profit.”

“I offer my personal pledge, however, that this success is simply a temporary correction and we shall return to massive losses in the near future, striving towards a projected twelve-figure loss by the year 2004-05.”

Corbett had already bought himself a yacht in anticipation of this year’s bonus after embarking on a string of foolhardy ventures. But after today’s result he is now in line for a hefty fine from the Woolworths board, who can’t afford to tolerate achievement in the current market environment.

“The sad thing is that since Woolworths won’t pay me my exorbitant incompetence bonus, next year’s bottom line is already looking better,” said Corbett, “Which will reduce my chance of getting a bonus next year as well.”

Woolworths shares went up 8c, compounding Corbett’s problems.