[Edition 56] DUBLIN, Thursday: U2's lead singer Bono has launched a daring solo mission to end the world's hunger for rock stars who use their high profiles to crap on self-righteously about charitable causes. After appointing himself planetary spokesman for poor people, Bono's dedicated himself to the cause through simplistic half-hour lectures on charity. While his only contribution to the world has been to make himself and multinational record companies fabulously wealthy, Bono is reported to believe the lectures will somehow end world famine.

"For many years, my people and I have felt ignored," said Eric Mbeke, 13, of Ethiopia, with what later proved to be his last breaths. "But now that Bono has taken up our cause, we know that not everyone is ignoring us, just the people who are in a position to do something about it."

The U2 singer says his motivation is simple – to live up to his name. "I call myself 'Bono', which means 'good' – but how good am I really if there's someone out there who doesn't have enough to eat?" he asked. But while many have dismissed his efforts as tokenistic, the respected anti-famine group Oxfam has applauded Bono's halting of his touring commitments to lobby world leaders. "Bono's efforts have touched people all over the world," a spokesperson said. "The cancelling of U2 concerts is only a small step towards making the world a better place, but you'd have to admit it's a great start."

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