England will play to home crowds in Australia for the first time, thanks to the work of unofficial Ashes sponsor and ticket outlet eBay.  With the series attracting unprecedented demand, several world records could fall: biggest crowd at a Test, most number of times "Barmy Army" is chanted in a row, and biggest landing of scum from the British Isles in the southern hemisphere since 1788. 

eBay hopes to secure the official sponsorship rights as well, which are now for sale on its own auction site, having been bought by a consortium of British scalpers. Also available for sale are detailed pitch reports for the match, offered by a seller calling himself "sexy4u23".  

Reacting to angry cricket fans, John Howard has assured voters that he is "following this issue very closely", and that he could understand the frustration of fans. "The auction I'm watching has already gone up to $250, so it looks like I'll have to buy one off Tony Blair" said the Prime  Minister.

One set of tickets is selling on eBay for several thousand dollars, but even those not containing an image of the Virgin Mary are selling for record sums.  

Private investigators believe Barmy Army members may have used disguises to get extra tickets, with vendors reporting marked increases in sales to transvestites and Richie Benaud look-a-likes. Cricket Australia admits it has been unable to prevent spots intended for Australians going to the English, and is at a loss to explain how four British lager louts wound up in the Australian Test side. "The one positive is that they're all less boring players than Damian Martyn," said CA Chief Executive Peter Young.  

Pundits say that the English could easily retain the trophy, as the side still has the highest bid with two minutes to go.

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