A Sydney based cocaine dealer has disappointedly cancelled his purchase of a brand new yacht following ‘lying rapist’ Bruce Lehrmann’s humiliating defamation loss.

“Does Bruce not think about the consequences of his actions?” said Dave Baggins. “If he had gotten that payout I would have been rolling in cash, but now I just need to use the money from other political staffers and Channel 7. Which is enough to fund the mansion sure, but not enough to add on a yacht.”

“Plus my plans to open a Karaoke bar are completely ruined.”

“All he had to do was not rape anyone and we would have had so much money, the literal lowest bar possible. What a total cunt. Maybe I should just stop hanging out with political staffers, they are really hurting the reputation of drug cartels everywhere.”

Bruce Lehrmann has secured exactly what he wanted in defamation court today as the ruling will mean no one will refer to him as an ‘alleged rapist’ anymore.

This change comes as Justice Lee said in his ruled that on the balance of probabilities, Bruce Lehrmann raped Brittany Higgins. In a case that former Attorney General Christian Porter has labelled an embarrassing step-down from Channel 10.

“Mr Lehrmann just wanted the truth to be out there,” said his lawyer, “and with this verdict that has been achieved.”

“So while some may say that he completely embarrassed himself by pushing for an unnecessary case with the level of entitlement that the sort of man who would be described by a judge as having an indifference to consent, we prefer to see this as a massive win and money well spent.”

The news has been tragic to a Sydney based cocaine dealer who was planning to put down a deposit on a yacht if Lehrmann managed to get a massive payout.

Cancer has denied allegations that it killed Naked Gun star OJ Simpson, before immediately announcing a new book called “If I Did It” about how it would have killed the bloody knife collector.

“It is heartbreaking that people would suggest that I killed OJ,” said Cancer, “sure my cells were all over the scene of the death, but that’s just because I had given OJ a big hug which accidentally spilled all my blood and cancer on the door handles and body. No one else was there to see it, but do I seem like someone who could kill anyone?”

“Now if I were to kill him, I would have systematically attacked his cells and weakened him over time. Boy it felt good… I mean it umm felt good to write the book.”

“It’s crazy that people would suggest that I killed him, I don’t even have hands so a glove definitely can’t fit me. I am as guilty of murder as OJ Simpson was.”

UPDATE: Cancer has now been spotted evading police in a white bronco.

Calls for a Royal Commission into the Murdoch empire have once again reignited, this time specifically targeting the onslaught of really annoying ads for ‘Hubbl’.

Hubbl, a product which can connect to a smart tv to give it the ability to do what smart tv’s can already do without a hundred dollar added device, went on the market recently bringing with it an onslaught of never ending frustrating ads for the product.

“This has to be the worst thing the Murdoch family has ever done,” said Grace from Canberra after seeing four Hubbl ads in a row while trying to scroll TikTok, “I get that they’ve hacked the phone of a deceased child, destabilised democracies and ruthlessly spread lies to try discredit anyone wanting to make the world a better place… but these fucking terrible ads just never seem to end.”

“It’s not like I’m ever going to consider buying that garbage, my tv already does it and there a million other products that do the same thing that aren’t made by the company that can’t even keep Kayo Sports up long enough to watch a full game.”

“No amount of annoying ads with the guy from Lego Masters and that other guy who used to be on tv will change that they are about 10 years too late to make this product. It’s like they are trying to torture me with these ads until I submit and buy it to stop the pain. PLEASE, JUST MAKE IT STOP!!!!”

Mental health experts have advised all Australians to attempt to limit their social media use and try going outside instead, “normally this advice would be because of how toxic social media can be, but now it is purely for the benefit of not having any sponsored Hubbl posts popping up in front of you.”

An editor at The Daily Mail has taken time out of his busy day of copy and pasting the work of journalists from actual news outlets, to implement new expense account rules that he copy and pasted from Channel 7’s Spotlight.

This comes after allegations that were made in court accused Channel 7 of expensing the purchase of illicit drugs and the hiring of sex workers during their bid to secure an interview with Toowoomba’s highest profile defamation suit enthusiast Bruce Lehrmann.

“Now that is how you run a media outlet,” screamed the Daily Mail editor, “I mean just think about the amount of cocaine I go through on a daily basis while writing pieces, I was stupidly just paying it myself and waiting till tax season to business expense it.”

“I can’t believe we didn’t think of having a dedicated drugs budget before. Now it will be much cheaper for me to get the gear I need to write pieces attacking victim survivors for being seen in the same vicinity as a bong.”

“Plus it’s so stressful to co-ordinate having paparazzi people stalk women who speaks out against the patriarchy or poor people who think they deserve respect. Especially when you add in the work of scrolling through their Instagram to see if we can unearth a picture of her in a bikini for the thumbnail. Now I’ll be able to relax with a cheeky massage while I do it and expense myself a happy ending too.”

Channel 7 have been accused of offering allegedly ‘high profile’ defamation complaint enthusiast Bruce Lehrmann special compensation in return for an interview. The reported compensation package left many in shock as normally it is only reserved only for former hosts of Weekend Sunrise.

“It’s standard procedure for anyone doing a one hour interview to be compensated,” said one 7 News editor while doing coke at a strip club as part of his daily work lunch, “but normally we don’t pay for coke and sex-workers unless they’ve been a full time employee for a couple of years.” 

“Paying a year’s worth of rent is very normal stuff, he is the only kind of renter we like. But upgrading him to the O’Keefe special, that’s a massive step. I mean, it isn’t even Logies season!”

In response, Today Tonight has launched an investigation into the ‘dodgy businessmen’ offering accused criminals drugs, accommodation and sex workers in exchange for favours.

Aussies on social media are experiencing even more despair than usual today as they suffer through a second consecutive day of terrible April Fools posts.

“Who knew doom scrolling could get worse?” said Hannah from Sydney. “Normally you at least get rewarded scrolling social media by the occasional funny post, but now those have been replaced with people just saying things that aren’t true or worse, posts social media managers from big brands trying to be funny. Two days of this is far too long, I can’t go through this every year!”

“The second day is always the hardest. See we not only are we dealing with the painful lack of humour that exists with marketing departments and brand social media managers, but you then factor in American senses of humour. It’s a combination that seems tailor made for misery.”

“We need intervention to stop the spread of these posts and limit them to one day. We should just ban time zones at this point, and maybe even criminalise brand accounts on social media all together. The suffering must end.”

Many Aussies have taken desperate measures to combat the flood of unfunny posts for their own wellbeing. With some people working from home even trying to find more work to do just so they can avoid opening a social media app.