Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has created a firestorm of controversy by demanding "some face time" with screen siren Megan Fox. "We must improve Italo-Megan Fox relations at once," Berlusconi announced to a parliament consisting largely of ex-Playmates. "Italy cannot afford to lapse into a Cold War with one who has such dangerous curves."

In this most esteemed forum of the Australian media, I would like to begin by acknowledging the traditional owners – the Murdoch family. I would also pay them my respects – but respect, like news, is something I’m just not willing to pay the Murdochs for. To the Olle family, however, I pay my sincerest respects.

Warned of the future demise of his environmental credentials by a wild-eyed Greens Senator in a converted-hybrid DeLorean, the 1985 Peter Garrett has traversed the space-time continuum to stop his future self abandoning his environmental principles.

Toyota has unveiled a new Prius model that looks set to revolutionise the car industry, powering the sustainable cars with the self-righteousness of their owners. The prototype, nicknamed the Toyota Pious, uses a unique hybrid engine that allows the car to go on and on whenever the driver does.

Kyle Sandilands has apologised for a segment where he and Jackie O hooked a 14-year-old to a lie detector to ask about her sex life. "I'm really sorry that we didn't realise what she'd been through," Sandilands said. "If we had, we would have broadcast her rape counselling session instead. It would have made much better radio."

The Grand and Ancient Order of Freemasons has taken over the European Union for a three year period, in a move observers say will only expand their web of control and terror. Supreme Mason Sir Alfred Hinman began his period of tyrannical rule with an acceptance speech that preceded the traditional black mass.

Police today closed down a TV station after finding that exploitative images of children in vulnerable situations. But a spokesperson for the ABC has claimed that the images of a young 8-year-old, Bindi Irwin, were “used for artistic purposes, or at the very least to fill 30 minutes of airtime on ABC Kids”.

Jerome “Red” Fox, Jr, is trading in his diesel-fueled juggernaut for a mammoth, semi-electric super truck. “In my job, the dangers we face are very real. But no death-dealing machine has terrified me as much as the threat we face from climate change – hell, that’s a demolition derby for the planet,” he said.

The Boulder Blue Wings, a local peewee hockey team, suffered a cup final loss to their arch-rivals the Falcons this Saturday. The devastating result ends a season marked by a combination of luck, team spirit and a never-say die attitude, all of which deserted the team in the face of superior and ruthless opposition