After no university philosophy department successfully reached a series of funding benchmarks applicable under the latest Federal funding criteria, Australian universities will remove the subject from their curriculum next year. A study by the Australian Vice Chancellors’ Committee found that the nation’s philosophy departments had raised thousands of questions over the year, but had not succeeding in answering any of them conclusively.

Wolfmother’s bassist and drummer have left the threepiece outfit, saying the band’s artistic vision had strayed from the original vision for the band that Jimmy Page and Robert Plant formulated in 1968. Stockdale says the pair have broken an agreement that members could only leave the band in the manner pioneered by former Zeppelin drummer John Bonham – choking to death on your own vomit.

Lying in bed nursing a hangover, Wollongong carpet-layer Thomas Schuster, 29, has announced his "profound dismay and disappointment in myself" after reviewing the Sent Items folder in his Nokia N81 mobile phone this morning. "I would like to apologise to everyone I texted last night," he said, in a soft voice. "Especially those of you I referred to as ‘softcocks who shuld [sic] be out here partying n lookin 4 bitches'. Sorry, Nanna."

Three days after definitively completing work on Bea Arthur's Wikipedia entry, long-term stalker Walter Slade announced his intention to cease lurking outside the 86-year-old actress's New York home, collecting locks of her silver hair. The insanely obsessed fan previously considered throwing in the towel when The Golden Girls was cancelled in 1992: "I was ready to quit there and then, but realised it'd be a lot easier to follow her around now that she was unemployed."

Having waited on hold for 40 minutes, reanimated corpse Trevor Fleck has slammed call centre workers across the nation, declaring them slack-jawed imitations of humanity with no reasoning power. "All I want to do is cancel my electricity account," he said. "As a zombie, I have no need for warmth or light. Yet these mouth-breathers at Integral Energy can't seem to get that into their thick, delicious frontal lobes."

Starbucks Coffee has shut down most of its Australian stores and made their staff redundant, a move that was widely expected after a spate of closures in the US. The move came after the company’s sales figures confirmed market research predictions that Australian consumers were unwilling to pay $5 for a cup of hot milk.

Despite the clear presence of a sign informing customers it is "not a lending library", Erskineville Newsagency was visited by a no-good freeloader last Tuesday afternoon. The offender, a non-descript mid-20s man in a business suit, made no pretence of purchasing the August issue of RALPH, choosing instead to peruse the publication while standing in the Men's Lifestyle section.

Married investment banker and secret transvestite Malcolm Penfold has declared himself "completely flummoxed" by recent sartorial trends. As male and female clothing options increasingly resemble one another, the bearded 54-year-old has found himself alienated on both fronts. "Jesus Christ," he wrote on an anonymous internet forum. "I swear I saw a line of fluoro kilts for sale the other day. Where am I supposed to wear them? In public, or in the shameful privacy of my own bathroom while the missus is asleep?"

Newcastle-based programmer Alan Ko has mentally laid out a financial plan of action which he intends to undertake should he win next week's jackpot Lotto. While the 31-year-old has earmarked some of the prize pool for paying off debts and helping various charities, the majority of his make-believe winnings will be spent on his equally make-believe girlfriend - a gorgeous lingerie model with Eastern European features and a sexy accent.

Clinically depressed entreprenuer Joseph de Rossi, 27, has embarked upon a six-month whirlwind tour of the world’s major cities, in search of the perfect place to end his unbearable existence. The insurance salesman, who already committed career suicide by sleeping with his boss’s wife, says he wants to do something different with his life as he ends it. “I’m not the kind of guy to build a shoddy, makeshift noose in my loungeroom," he explained. "I want my death to be as unique as my misery."