Karl Rove faces the toughest decision of his career tonight when he chooses whether to instruct George W. Bush to fire him for leaking a CIA agent’s identity. “It’s a tough one,” said Rove. “On one hand, I did get him to specifically say that he would fire anyone involved with the leak. On the other hand I’m probably the only person in the White House who’s actually qualified to perform their job. Including the President.”

Rodney Adler is to be reunited with his friend Brad Cooper thanks to the criminal justice system after Cooper was convicted of bribery and deception over the collapse of HIH. The association between Adler and Cooper, a flamboyant motivational speaker, became one of Australia's most inspirational business partnerships, inspiring a host of regulatory authorities to commence proceedings against them. Once jailed, Cooper's prison duties will include ironing, gardening and motivating jailed executives to return to business if they get parole.

President Bush has found another job for his friend and failed Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers, appointing her to defend another embattled friend, Lewis “Scooter” Libby, after his indictment for perjury. “Harriet Miers is the ideal candidate to represent Scooter in court," the President announced. "She’s a wonderful Christian, a loyal friend and I know her heart. What more could you want, apart from maybe legal skills?” But Mr Libby has rejected the nomination, saying Ms Miers lacks adequate qualifications not just for the Supreme Court, but also for his criminal trial.  "Lord knows, I need a really good lawyer," he explained.

Janet Jackson has revealed that she has a secret daughter, conceived through a ‘diaphragm malfunction’ during the 1986 Superbowl. Jackson says she has kept the secret for over 18 years in the hope that her daughter may never meet her uncle Michael. “It’s tough being a kid these days,” Janet said. “And it’s a lot tougher if you spend your afternoons drinking ‘Jesus juice’ while thumbing through your uncle’s porn collection.”

1980s teen heart-throb Corey Haim longs for the glory days of his failing career, when his name was a still regular feature in “not hot” lists. “I’d love to go to the opening of an envelope these days, but the invites aren’t coming in like they used to,” says the co-star of Snowboard Academy and Prayer of the Rollerboys. Only a few years ago Haim divided his time between telemovie auditions, personal testimonials for Tai-Bo, and the ever-demanding remnants of his fan club. Now the former child-star spends his days at home, poring over old newspaper reviews savaging his 1989 biopic Me, Myself and I.

The Prime Minister has defended proposed shoot-to-kill laws, saying that in the heightened security environment the shoot-to-kill policy would only be used in situations where police freak out. “The world changed on September 11,” Howard said. “Before then I would have needed a good reason to pass draconian legislation like this.”Mr Howard said that the laws are essential for making Australia safer. “The power to kill civilians is vital in the fight against those who threaten civilian safety,” he said.

Their business hurting after a wave of bomb attacks and drug arrests, Garuda airlines are offering heavily discounted ‘Adventure Tour’ packages to Bali. Tourists will be tempted with free one-way tickets and one-and-a-half nights’ accomodation at participating hotels and hospitals. Local gaols are promising even longer low-cost stays.

The show trial of Saddam Hussein has begun in Bahgdad. The Special Tribunal began its hearing two weeks early because judges feared there would not be time to get through all the evidence before Saddam’s execution on 18 December this year. Charged with the murder and torture of 148 Shiites in Dujail in 1982, Saddam pleaded “not guilty”, after agreeing that calling himself “innocent” was a bit of a stretch. Saddam's lawyers say the former dictator’s defence will be that he was just issuing orders.

Australia has secured the most comprehensive win in Test cricket history, defeating both the World XI and the whole idea of a Rest of the World team in under four days. The World XI was defeated by 210 runs, after scoring only 144 in their second innings and even less in terms of credibility. The series closed with an Australian declaration: Australian ICC chief Malcolm Speed declaring that there would not be another Super Series for many years to come.

Spurred on by his viewing of pre-dawn television, 41 year-old printer salesman Andrew Smithers has found God. Smithers says that the conversion process began at 12.00am Wednesday with the Channel Ten chat show Face to Face. “At first I thought it was just an informative discussion of world events conducted by people I could relate to,” says Smithers. “But I soon realized there was more to it. They kept talking about a very special man with an important message for us all, and that man wasn’t Anthony Robbins.”