Contestants on would-be-royalty reality show Australian Princess have expressed concerns about having to give birth in a newly added segment on the show, after Princess Mary gave birth this week. The new round will see contestants forced to give birth while a sneering Paul Burrell looks on, ridiculing their childbearing technique and posture. In line with royal custom, if any of the children are considered valuable, Burrell will then steal and try to hock them.

Exit polls from Saturday's referendum on Iraq's constitution indicate that Sunni, Shi'ite and Kurdish groups agree only on their right to bear arms against members of the other two groups. The right to bear arms was considered a far more important right than free elections, free speech or the right to life, which in Iraq is considered practically worthless.

Fast food giant KFC has reassured customers that even in the event of total contamination of the world’s chicken stocks by bird flu, its menu will remain safe. “Bird flu should be of no concern to anyone consuming KFC products” a spokesperson said. “Unless, of course, it can be spread to rabbits.”

Still reeling from the terrible impact of Hurricane Katrina on their city, New Orleans residents are seeking solace in the chaos of earthquake-ravaged Pakistan. Travel agencies have reported scores of Southerners heading to the afflicted Kashmiri region, looking for adventure and poorly secured electronic goods.

Katie Holmes has stunned doctors all over the world by announcing her pregnancy to Tom Cruise. "We're delighted to announce we're going to have a baby to love and protect," Holmes said. "Unless it turns out to not embrace Scientology, in which case it will disappear and we'll act like it never existed."  "Who would have thought I could father a child after all the years thinking I was impotent?" added an ebullient Cruise. "Maybe I can start acting well, too."

The government is planning a blanket advertising campaign, including on weekends and public holidays for no extra fee, in the hope of convincing voters that its IR laws will not disadvantage them. But the latest Morgan poll suggests most Australians already consider themselves worse off simply because they’ve been subjected to the “WorkChoices” ads.

The Bali 9 have struck a deal with Indonesian prosecutors, under which they’ll chance a firing squad in return for $5000 cash. “Yes, the odds of getting through a firing squad aren’t good,” admitted accused Scott Rush. “But they’ve got to be better than the odds of getting through Indonesian customs with heroin strapped to your stomach.” The offer was accepted on the eve of the Bali 9 trials, after which the Bali 9 were widely expected to become the Bali 0.

The World XI were relieved by how few people witnessed their abysmal performance in the first of the Super Series one-dayers last Wednesday. But while official attendance figures recorded a crowd of eight, actual numbers were almost double that, since many of the World XI side themselves were spectators. “It was a shame there were so few people in the crowd,” admitted World XI captain Shaun Pollock. “Unlike us, they were holding their catches and we needed all the help we could get.”

Just days after the second Bali bombing, DFAT has warned that the threat of Alexander Downer singing in public again has dramatically increased. It is feared the Foreign Minister may attempt karaoke in another misguided attempt to ingratiate himself to South East Asia leaders at the next ASEAN conference. DFAT warns that if successful Mr Downer’s karaoke could devastate Australia’s credibility in the region once again. The Department says the risk of a ministerial singalong is now high, and has also upgraded it assessment of the likely impact of a Downer attack from “embarrassing” to “excruciating”.

The Federal Government has promised to crack down on D-listers posing as genuine stars with radical new identity cards, stamped 'Not For Red Carpet Usage". The non-entity cards are to be issued to ex-reality TV stars, lifestyle show hosts and Kate Fischer over the next few months.