Whether he's informing his wife she's a "big, fat dynamo" or telling his co-workers "don't have a cow, man", Brisbane removalist Gareth Schreiber takes all his conversational cues from The Simpsons. The 32-year-old, who has been watching the long-running TV show since it began, is able to apply his encyclopaedic knowledge of the program to any circumstance, be it a deceptively painful injury or a discussion on the relative cowardice of the French.

Author Salman Rushdie has gratefully received the honour of a knighthood, and is now looking forward to the protective measures that accompany it. The novelist has already asked if he can keep the guard of honour that accompanied him to the ceremony. "I know I've been critical of pomp and ceremony in the past," he said. "But I've come to appreciate some of the most ancient aspects of knighthood, like carrying a shield everywhere, and constantly praying for protection."

The former British Prime Minister Tony Blair has taken up a new role as a special envoy in the Middle East. The typically upbeat Blair has claimed he can solve the decades-old Arab-Israeli conflict in 45 minutes, a boast that regional experts say is no less implausible than his claim that Saddam Hussein could deploy WMDs against Britain in the same amount of time.

After building casinos in Macau and Hong Kong, James Packer has increased his exposure to the gambling industry after deciding to chance his fortune on another wife.Most experts rate the mogul's business decisions as considerably more sound than those he makes about his personal life. "The Asian gambling market will be around for the long haul," one analyst said. "Whereas historical performance figures show that James' model acquisitions leave him significantly in the red after a few years."

New ACTU leader Jeff Lawrence has come under heavy fire from the Coalition, who claim he is little more than a puppet of the union movement. "The ACTU can't even pretend it's free from the influence of the union movement," said Health Minister Tony Abbott in a parliamentary broadside. "And here they are, nominating another faceless union bureaucrat to be their leader. The last ACTU leader was a union man, this bloke's a union man, and mark my words - the next bloke will be a union man too," said Abbott, to loud cries of 'hear hear' from the the Government benches. "

The Royal Swedish Academy of Arts and Scientists will break with more of a century of tradition to award their first award for effort, rather than excellence. Stung by criticisms that the body was elitist, the Academy has announced a new 'Most Improved' Category, for those trying hard in their given field.

After gathering dust on a rumpus room bookshelf for more than seven years, a faded copy of Tae Bo Gold has been consigned to the dump during a moment of self-awareness on the part of its owner, accounts payable clerk Teri Rosewater. "Every other time I've cleaned that room, I've told myself I'll get back into Tae Bo one day," she said. "This time, I had to face the facts. After all, we don't even own a VCR anymore."

Defying the Biblical concept of free will, Sydney Archbishop George Pell has ordered Catholic MPs to follow his moral lead or risk the fires of damnation. "Politicians who support stem cell legislation must realise their voting has consequences for their place in the life of the church," he said. "My conscience is clear...as it should be to any God-fearing elected official who wants communion next Sunday. Let he who is without sin cast the first vote."

Prime Minister John Howard has revealed an ambitious scheme to trade carbon dioxide emissions for votes in the upcoming Federal Election. The scheme involves companies trading pollution with each other in the form of political capital for the Coalition.

With the sale of 75% of PBL Media to a foreign superannuation company, James Packer has finally given up control of the family's media empire. When asked what he planned to do with the $5 billion proceeds of the deal, Packer said he intends to "make the leap Dad never did - into intelligent, engaging media ventures".