Although terror detainee David Hicks has been back in Australia for a few weeks, the 31-year-old claims he feels like he "never left Cuba". Citing the geographical isolation and social desolation of South Australia's capital city, human rights groups have called Hicks' return to Adelaide proof the Howard government endorses the use of torture.

Visitors to Wollongong's Moulin Bleu gentleman's club have confessed to being disappointed by the ambience and décor of the venue, having been led to believe the place catered to a more sophisticated clientele. "The posters out the front conjured up images of tasteful European erotica and ribald burlesquery," said patron Oliver Barron. "They didn't say anything about the tacky modern art prints or cheap carpet that's obviously designed to hide vomit stains."

A judge has ruled Paris Hilton will be "in" custody this season, sentencing her to 45 days in county jail. "Paris is known for her variety of looks," he said. "This season it'll be stripes." The judge said he had considered a community service order instead of jail, but had decided that Hilton could best serve the community by being removed from it.

The producers of Big Brother have honoured a contestant's father's wish that his daughter Emma not be told of his death. "I've been watching the series, and I know how depressing the goings-on in that house are," he told family members. "I'm worried that the news could tip her over the edge." Instead, all housemates will be allowed to share in the moment at a special, prime-time ‘Friday Night Funeral' episode.

A concert-goer has tried and failed to single-handedly rouse his fellow audience members to a standing ovation. At the conclusion of an Australian Chamber Orchestra performance of Saint-Saëns' Septet in E flat major, Richard Worthstone, 57 of Neutral Bay, stood erect and clapped for a solid minute before turning, seeing no-one else performing the same action, and finally resuming his seat.

Popular mystery writer Jessica Fletcher has been charged with 689 homicides previously declared solved. Police say Fletcher concocted an image as a harmless busybody and amateur sleuth as a means of avoiding suspicion, allowing to kill her victims with means varying from a marble bust toppled from a roof-top to a rigged stunt man's gun. She avoided detection for many years before prosecutors uncovered statistics showing Fletcher on or near the scene of hundreds of different homicides.

The Australian Government's call for Ricky Ponting's side to abandon its tour to Zimbabwe has been echoed by their opponents. "We've suffered enough in this country without having to get thrashed by Australia again," captain Prosper Utseya said. "In my view, being made to face Brett Lee when you've only made the team because of a racially biased selection policy is cruel and unusual punishment."

And so it is with gusto and much fanfare that the band strikes up a stirring rendition of Stars and Stripes Forever, and the Grand Old Party's hopefuls assemble to be measured against the brutal yardstick of Gregor's election preview. Here they are, ladies and gentlemen - the men who would be President, should America decide for some unfathomable reason that the Republicans deserve another chance.

After having to live with conservative prime ministers for nearly 30 years, British liberals are hoping Tony Blair's retirement will give their nation its first left-wing government in decades and a return to the glory days of Harold Wilson. "We're all holding our breath," said Labour voter Eric Cudlipp. "Maybe now we'll see some power returned to trade unions, welfare reform and a government that isn't in lockstep with Republican warmongers."

Former Patrick Stevedores CEO Chris Corrigan has slammed the ABC docu-drama Bastard Boys for what he calls a one-sided representation of the waterfront dispute. In response, Corrigan and the Howard Government are developing a plan to replace the entire ABC drama department with scab scriptwriters trained in Dubai.