Gregor takes us on a weird and wonderful tour of the Democratic Presidential nominees. If you've ever wondered which candidate's middle name is "Robinette", or who seriously suggested the establishment of a Department of Peace, read on. And stay tuned for Gregor's guide to the Republican nominees...

NCIS fan and regular visitor to the Suicide Girls website Gary Bullock has admitted he only joined revolutionary political group Socialist Alliance on the chance that he "would meet some hot goth babes". Bullock, who cares nothing about the exchange of blood for oil and rides a Ducati motorbike, nevertheless agreed to sell copies of Green Left Weekly in a local mall "as long as that chick with the dreadlocks and neck tattoo shows me the ropes".

New MySpace user Emily Lee, 14, says she feels neglected by her new friend, the company's CEO Tom Anderson. Lee was delighted when she first signed up for the site, and found she already had him listed as a friend, and had even received a message from the man she describes as a "really cool guy". But now she is beginning to doubt that Tom looked at her profile at all, "if that is even his real name".

The UN Security Council has admitted it is in clear breach of its own 2007 New Year's Resolution. SC Resolution #1738, which stated council members would "Join the gym - and this time really stick with it" was struck in a mood of optimism at the first meeting of the year. However, it waned through March and April, and has now "floundered completely", as a spokesman put it.

Convenience store duty manager Russell Celine spends most of his 6pm-4am shifts serving truck drivers, drunk uni students and late-night porn buyers, but there is one highlight in his ten hours of drudgery – imagining what kind of sexual debauchery regular condom buyer Steve Tintoski gets up to. Although Celine has never actually seen Tintoski accompanied by a woman, he often fantasises about the "raw, animal carnality that guy must have inside him".

In what may be his biggest victory yet, Opposition Leader Kevin Rudd has unilaterally disarmed formerly outspoken anti-nuclear activist Peter Garrett. The Shadow Minister For Climate Change, Environment & Heritage, Arts had his anti-uranium core removed and deactivated by the new leader in a delicate operation that took place hours before the Labor national conference.

Boris Yeltsin died this week after winning a protracted battle with communism, and losing a protracted battle with alcoholism. The former Russian President was best known for defying the coup plotters who attempted to depose Mikhail Gorbachev when he bravely climbed on top of a tank to see where the nearest bar was.

Although her weekdays are spent educating Wollongong students on the importance of Shakespeare, Emily Dickinson and Peter Goldsworthy, English teacher Sharne Mitchell, 48, has a deeper passion – her magnum opus on the turbulent inner life of a late-40s woman who educates Wollongong students on the importance of Shakespeare, Emily Dickinson and Peter Goldsworthy.

Kevin Rudd has again come under fire after plans for a fake memorial for the victims of the Virginia Tech massacre became public. "I knew nothing about a plan for a fake service for the Sunrise show," Rudd said this morning. "I thought it was for a 60 Minutes colour piece."

Although the pair have no immediate intentions to quit churning out episode after episode of catchphrase-based comedy, Little Britain creators Matt Lucas and David Walliams have annouced that even they have grown weary of the show's repetitious, endlessly quoted toilet humour. "It's a dilemma, because we're sick to death of it, but it's just so lucrative," Lucas said. "The BBC keeps asking us to do more, and we say yeah, but no, but yeah, but no. But then they wave even more money at us, and we say yeah."