Prince William has dumped his middle-class girlfriend Kate Middleton, saying she won’t make a suitable royal wife. “Kate was lovely, but ultimately we are from different social circles,” William said. “If I’m going to settle down, I need to find a suitable mother for my children. And, at the same time, a long-lost cousin.”

After 27 heroic years of dedicated public service, Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe is facing the prospect of early retirement at the hands of ill health and/or an angry opposition. "Even our rigged opinion polls show he is lagging in popularity," said ZANU-PF minister Nhamodzenyika Gallup.

In the wake of broadcaster Alan Jones' negative comments about Lebanese gangs at the Cronulla riots, the controversial community has decided to take action to improve its image. After a series of fundraising ventures including garage sales, lamington drives and an eligible bachelor auction, Australia's Lebanese community have finally raised enough money to purchase the public approval and respect of Alan Jones.

Fresh from his work with fashion designers Giorgio Armani and Paspale Pearls, Ian Thorpe is now consulting with a group of high-end European chemists to design a new range of stimulants "for the modern man". The new range of drugs will include "Thorpedo" and "gold medal" branded ecstasy tablets suitable for "parties, nightclubs and any other situation where people need their performance enhanced."

Geriatric rockstar Keith Richards has hit out at the media this month, claiming he was joking when he told British music mag NME he had snorted his dad Bert's remains in 2002. The Rolling Stones guitarist says the media are "making a mountain out of a relatively small pile of cadaver-infused cocaine."

Convicted terrorist David Hicks will soon return to Australia under a plea bargain that will see him serve nine months in jail and bar him from commenting on his case. Hicks has been warned that under a variation on the US's famous Miranda Rights, anything he says can be used against him in a non-court of retrospective law.

The recently-dumped Kate Middleton probably isn't thinking straight just now. At least, not about her commercial interests. Fortunately, when tragedy strikes, there's always one man who knows where the dollars are. Harry M. Miller.

After a whirlwind five-day tour of Australia's junkiest city, Cubisia's ready, willing and able to pronounce judgement on the humble selection of comedy acts experienced this past week.

A suburban engagement party was rescued at the eleventh hour this week, thanks to the quick thinking of a plucky DJ. Despite the open bar and extensive buffet, attendees refused to mingle, drink too much or properly celebrate the upcoming union of the guests of honour. The crisis was only averted by the narrowest of margins after the DJ finally succeeded in breaking the ice with Tina Turner's 1973 hit 'Nutbush City Limits'.

When Special Agent Olivia Martinez started a sting operation to catch online sex predator Karl Bute Jnr, she thought it would be a routine assignment. She never suspected that the man she was entrapping would end up entrapping her heart.