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Elaine Nile retires citing victory in “War on Masturbation”

[Edition 26] SYDNEY, Tuesday: There were emotional displays and many tributes paid today as Elaine Nile, Christian Democrat MP of 12 years standing, announced her retirement from the Parliament.



Ms Nile blamed smokers in Parliament House, the long hours demanded of politicians and her recent successes in the Christian Democrats’ “war on masturbation” as contributing to her decision to quit.

Elaine Nile … more time to ‘bash poofs’

[Edition 26] SYDNEY, Tuesday: There were emotional displays and many tributes paid today as Elaine Nile, Christian Democrat MP of 12 years standing, announced her retirement from the Parliament.

Ms Nile blamed smokers in Parliament House, the long hours demanded of politicians and her recent successes in the Christian Democrats’ “war on masturbation” as contributing to her decision to quit. According to Nile, a recent Department of Education study suggests that awkward moments of teenage self-exploration are now as likely to be expressed through Bible study, sublimated tendencies to violence and the use of self-flagellation as through the use of “the poor man’s Palm Pilot”. A senior member of the Department today described the report as “definitive, though not in any sense real … we just cooked it up to stop her calling us every damn day”.

“Now that we have succeeded in stamping out the sin of Onan, we can, at last, have some well-earned rest,” Mrs Nile told a packed news conference full of journalists and well-wishers.

Mrs Nile said she felt that her time in Parliament had achieved many successes for decent caring Christians. She named the increases in gay bashings and the continued need for intravenous drug users to use dirty needles in children’s parks rather than shooting galleries as the two greatest achievements of her time in Parliament.

“Every time I think of those faggots making fun of my husband during their filthy parade I am calmed by the knowledge that if they don’t get a good bashing then at least they will be punished in hell,” said Nile.