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Howard cuts beer price to get voters drunk enough to re-elect him

[Edition 35] CANBERRA, Tuesday: Prime Minister John Howard has agreed to cut the excise on beer, in the hope cheaper drinks will help get the country drunk enough to vote for him.

[Edition 35] CANBERRA, Tuesday: Prime Minister John Howard has agreed to cut the excise on beer, in the hope cheaper drinks will help get the country drunk enough to vote for him.

Mr Howard revelaed his re-election campaign hinges entirely on the impaired judgements of the electorate.

“People can do some pretty stupid things when they’re pissed,” said Mr Howard. “Things which they’re bound to regret afterwards. Obviously no one with a clear head would dare to give me a third term. But if I can
get enough people drunk on discounted beer I may just get across the line.”

New legislation will make drinking compulsory in the lead-up to the federal election. The Prime Minister said he further intends to place a VB stubbie in every polling booth to help prevent voters from thinking sensibly. All households will be sent how-to-drink cards in the mail.

In addition, the recent TV drug campaign has been amended to encourage parents to discuss drugs with their children over a quiet beer.

“Drug abuse destroys society,” said Mr Howard. “And what better way of demonstrating this to our children than by having booze-addled voters re-elect a Coalition government.”