Opinion: Sex is unnatural and should have been banned years ago

by Firth, Host of The Firth Factor

Malcolm Turnbull is right to have banned sex. After all, sex is totally unnatural, and the way I think about it, it’s also totally disgusting.

For years Canberra has been awash with sex out in the open. I know it’s hard to imagine how anyone even considered having sex in the same place that Clive Palmer once sat, but it’s true.

An unspoken agreement between both sides of politics meant nobody batted an eyelid — unless that was the signal to leave for the night.

In fact, for many politicians, sex with staffers had become a routine event. Like filing a travel allowance claim, or leaking against a colleague.

Now, thanks to Malcolm Turnbull the quality of sex at Parliament House will be massively improved.

What used to be mundane and out in the open, is now strictly against the rules.

Politicians may even need to be punished over and over again if they are naughty and break the rules.

The long term effects are even better. Most politicians are incredibly ugly. By banning them from having sex, it will solve the epidemic of ugly children that is ruining Australian schools and beaches.

Of course, some negative nellies say the ban goes too far and that only sex with Bob Katter should be banned.

But the ban totally solves the problem that has been a major distraction this week.

The problem was that Barnaby was having sex with a staffer and so he got a job for her down the corridor.

Now, if Barnaby wants to have sex with a staffer he’ll have to get a job for her down the corridor before they have sex.

Problem solved.

The Chaser Guide to Earth is on sale, just $12.95!
Subscribe to The Chaser Quarterly to guarantee your copy.