Property Tycoon and millenial pinup-boy Tim Gurner has today been lauded by the United Nations after solving the issue of homelessness once and for all. Using his financial know-how, combined with a relentless need to share advice on experiences he hasn’t lived, Tim has charitably dedicated the last year of his life to lecturing homeless people on how they could afford a house if they would “just stop using take away coffees as begging cups”.
Though the advice has been described by some critics as “childish” and “not at all thought through”, experts say Tim’s personal wealth and vast property portfolio is a testament to the fact that he knows everything there is to know about avoiding homelessness.
“I once couldn’t afford a house either,” said Tim on A Current Affair last night. “But then one day I saw this homeless man. He was sitting on the side of the road warming his hands with a McDonalds coffee. And I looked down at the coffee in my own hands and decided right then and there that I would ask my grandfather for $30,000 to buy a gym. And you know what? Thanks to that savy investment I don’t even need to buy coffee at the shops at all. My maid just brings me one from the kitchen espresso machine every morning. It’s much more frugal!”
“Also if these homeless people would just cut back on all the holidays I bet they’d be making a lot more money. You know I hear some of them haven’t been to work in years? With that kind of lax attitude they’ll never get into the property market.”
CQ - The Chaser Quarterly Men's Health Edition. In bookstores and newsagents now,
or buy it online at ChaserShop.com - single issue ($12.95) or even better subscribe to the Chaser Quarterly (one year just $65).