News

Berlusconi seeks "urgent summit" with Megan Fox

Thursday, 19 November 2009 16:18

09119berlusconi120 Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has created a firestorm of controversy by demanding "some face time" with screen siren Megan Fox. "We must improve Italo-Megan Fox relations at once," Berlusconi announced to a parliament consisting largely of ex-Playmates. "Italy cannot afford to lapse into a Cold War with one who has such dangerous curves."

1985 Peter Garrett goes back to the future to prevent 2009 Peter Garrett

Thursday, 05 November 2009 14:16

091105garrett120 Warned of the future demise of his environmental credentials by a wild-eyed Greens Senator in a converted-hybrid DeLorean, the 1985 Peter Garrett has traversed the space-time continuum to stop his future self abandoning his environmental principles.

New Prius model runs on owner's self-righteousness

Tuesday, 03 November 2009 21:17

091104pious120 Toyota has unveiled a new Prius model that looks set to revolutionise the car industry, powering the sustainable cars with the self-righteousness of their owners. The prototype, nicknamed the Toyota Pious, uses a unique hybrid engine that allows the car to go on and on whenever the driver does.

New Zealand moves 30cm closer to Australia, applies for dole

Tuesday, 04 August 2009 23:27

090804sheep_120

A recent earthquake has shifted New Zealand 30cm closer to Australia, the second phase of a long-term plan to connect the two islands and their social security systems. The first phase of the plan, where New Zealanders were sent to Australia to seek welfare assistance one by one, has given way to a more expansive, nation-based dole bludging plan.

Kyle's apology for lie detector stunt fails lie detector

Tuesday, 04 August 2009 12:50

090804kylejackie120 Kyle Sandilands has apologised for a segment where he and Jackie O hooked a 14-year-old to a lie detector to ask about her sex life. "I'm really sorry that we didn't realise what she'd been through," Sandilands said. "If we had, we would have broadcast her rape counselling session instead. It would have made much better radio."

Freemasons take up rotating EU Shadow Presidency

Monday, 25 May 2009 23:20

The Grand and Ancient Order of Freemasons has taken over the European Union for a three year period, in a move observers say will only expand their web of control and terror. Supreme Mason Sir Alfred Hinman began his period of tyrannical rule with an acceptance speech that preceded the traditional black mass.

Exploitative images of young girl found: Terri Irwin blamed

Monday, 25 May 2009 23:16

090718bindi_intro Police today closed down a TV station after finding that exploitative images of children in vulnerable situations. But a spokesperson for the ABC has claimed that the images of a young 8-year-old, Bindi Irwin, were “used for artistic purposes, or at the very least to fill 30 minutes of airtime on ABC Kids”.

Socially responsible redneck switches to hybrid monster truck

Monday, 25 May 2009 23:03

Jerome “Red” Fox, Jr, is trading in his diesel-fueled juggernaut for a mammoth, semi-electric super truck. “In my job, the dangers we face are very real. But no death-dealing machine has terrified me as much as the threat we face from climate change – hell, that’s a demolition derby for the planet,” he said.

Shock as plucky team of misfits thrashed in grand final

Monday, 25 May 2009 22:50

090718pluckymisfits_intro The Boulder Blue Wings, a local peewee hockey team, suffered a cup final loss to their arch-rivals the Falcons this Saturday. The devastating result ends a season marked by a combination of luck, team spirit and a never-say die attitude, all of which deserted the team in the face of superior and ruthless opposition

Unis axe philosophy departments for failing to find answers

Monday, 25 May 2009 22:43

090718philosophydep_intro After no university philosophy department successfully reached a series of funding benchmarks applicable under the latest Federal funding criteria, Australian universities will remove the subject from their curriculum next year. A study by the Australian Vice Chancellors’ Committee found that the nation’s philosophy departments had raised thousands of questions over the year, but had not succeeding in answering any of them conclusively.

Wolfmother breaks up, citing artistic differences from Led Zep

Monday, 25 May 2009 22:34

090721wolfmother120 Wolfmother’s bassist and drummer have left the threepiece outfit, saying the band’s artistic vision had strayed from the original vision for the band that Jimmy Page and Robert Plant formulated in 1968. Stockdale says the pair have broken an agreement that members could only leave the band in the manner pioneered by former Zeppelin drummer John Bonham – choking to death on your own vomit.

Drunken text messages regretted next morning

Thursday, 28 August 2008 07:55

Lying in bed nursing a hangover, Wollongong carpet-layer Thomas Schuster, 29, has announced his "profound dismay and disappointment in myself" after reviewing the Sent Items folder in his Nokia N81 mobile phone this morning. "I would like to apologise to everyone I texted last night," he said, in a soft voice. "Especially those of you I referred to as ‘softcocks who shuld [sic] be out here partying n lookin 4 bitches'. Sorry, Nanna."

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