In a series of world exclusives, NW magazine has revealed that Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban have married, conceived, argued, attracted the jealousy of Jennifer Aniston and are facing a marriage on the rocks, all in the course of last weekend. 

The small wedding, attended only by a handful of close friends, elite wedding guests, colleagues, insiders, observers, onlookers, concerned onlookers, confidantes, acquaintances and sources was held in a Sydney church, prompting some to fear that Kidman will start a fad for the wacky Catholicism sect among other celebs.  

According to NW, the wedding was almost called off after a row in which Urban refused to see his bride on the morning of the wedding, instead storming out with his male friends without even saying goodbye. Nicole was left to be comforted by close friends and family, and eventually had to be dragged to the ceremony by her father. "Kidman sobbed in front of guests," said the anonymous article, "many of whom have worried about her increasingly emotional state for some time, which they say may be caused by concern about Keith's alleged drug use and her addiction to Botox." 

The bride wore a Balenciaga dress designed especially for the occasion, a move which NW claimed set tongues wagging. "Nicole walked down the aisle in a huge, gorgeous, off-white dress," the magazine quotes a close friend as saying. "Was it hiding a tell-tale bump, the body that friends say is too skinny, or cellulite? Rumours say it's all three." 

"At the reception, guests enjoyed a sumptuous meal, with Kidman eating a full dinner and cake in a manner suspiciously like binge-eating," said the byline-free piece. "Nicole's adopted children sat at the head table, in a transparent attempt to silence critics who say her busy schedule and shopping-sprees keep her from spending enough time with them, adding to Tom's fury and a looming custody battle that could see them dragged through the courts and a media circus." 

While no destination has been confirmed for the honeymoon, NW speculates that they will be visiting Bora Bora, a Fijian resort, a Namibian fertility clinic, a discreet, up-market rehab centre and a secret ranch where celebrities hunt humans for sport.

NW concluded by reporting that constant media speculation and intrusion are already putting strains on their marriage, leading to a likely split. 

 

 

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