Thursday, 28 August 2008 07:55
According to the evidence stored in his phone, Schuster's inebriated SMSing began relatively sedately, with a 7:36pm group message to ten of his friends, informing them he was ‘doing Jagerbombs with the boys from work' and that furthermore, they were ‘missing out big time, fuckheads'.
Fifteen minutes later, having imbibed two vodkas and Red Bull in quick succession, Schuster decided to contact Alice Hirst, a 25-year-old blonde school teacher with whom he had exchanged numbers with the previous Friday. "While it seemed like a good angle at the time," he said, "I can see that ‘We should see dark knight tomorrow night cos i like u & uve got great tits ;)' wasn't the best way to broach the subject of a potential relationship. I just hope Alice takes the compliment in the manner in which it was intended."
"And as for my follow-up message, ‘Do u kno where i can buy some speed???', the less said, the better," he added.
Other text messages wholly regretted by Schuster included the unsolicited missives to five of his ex-girlfriends, including a girl he dated for three months in 1999, informing them all that they were ‘still very special to [his] heart' and that he'd ‘luv 2 catch up for coffee XOXO'. "Jesus," he said. "I must've been off my fucking tits to tell Sarah she was my soulmate. I'd only just got her to stop calling me in the middle of the night."
According to Schuster, the most humiliating SMS of all was the one he sent to Jared Barker, or as he referred to him in the text message, ‘the ARSEHOLE CAAAARNT who stole da love uv my life', in reference to Barker's role in the break-up of his 2007 engagement. "I have absolutely no memory of sending it. I didn't even know I had Jared's number in my phone," he said. "Ah well, looks like I'm booked in for a fistfight at Westfield Figtree this Thursday afternoon."
"I'm just glad the one where I told my boss I was quitting because he was ‘a foureyed buttmuncher who smells like crotch and arse' got stuck in Drafts," he said. "That would've been awkward."
To avoid a repeat occurence, Schuster has called upon mobile phone manufacturers to fit their products with a breathalyser.
| < Prev | Next > |
|---|
88 Comments
FeedAdd Comment
Latest Events
- 28/04/2010 | 17:00 The Blow Parade
- 05/05/2010 | 17:00 The Blow Parade
- 12/05/2010 | 17:00 The Blow Parade
Chaser store
$30.00
|
$30.00
|
$20.00
|
$33.00
|
Follow The Chaser on...
Other sites
- War On Everything
- The Blogs Of War
- ChaserForum.net (fan forum)
men watches makes this comment
Thursday 11 March, 2010
cheap watches
women watches
cheap rolex watches
cartier watches
men watches makes this comment
Thursday 11 March, 2010
cheap watches
women watches
cheap rolex watches
cartier watches
men watches makes this comment
Thursday 11 March, 2010
cheap watches
women watches
cheap rolex watches
cartier watches
chi flat irons makes this comment
Thursday 11 March, 2010
mbt makes this comment
Wednesday 10 March, 2010
replica watches makes this comment
Tuesday 9 March, 2010
2234234sd makes this comment
Monday 8 March, 2010
loudspeakerspeaker factoryspeaker manufacturer
engraving machinelaser cutting machinecnc router
cutting machinelaser engraving machinelaser engraver
chenyan makes this comment
Monday 8 March, 2010
Chanel Handbag
cheap Handbags
discount Handbags
cheap Handbags
cheap chanel handbags
cheap air max makes this comment
Thursday 4 March, 2010
Nike Air Max 2003
Nike Air Max 89
Nike Air Max 90
Nike Air Max 91
Nike Air Max 95
Nike Air Max 97
cheap air max makes this comment
Thursday 4 March, 2010
Nike Air Max 2003
Nike Air Max 89
Nike Air Max 90
Nike Air Max 91
Nike Air Max 95
Nike Air Max 97
cheap air max makes this comment
Thursday 4 March, 2010
Nike Air Max 2003
Nike Air Max 89
Nike Air Max 90
Nike Air Max 91
Nike Air Max 95
Nike Air Max 97
cheap air max makes this comment
Thursday 4 March, 2010
Nike Air Max 2003
Nike Air Max 89
Nike Air Max 90
Nike Air Max 91
Nike Air Max 95
Nike Air Max 97
cheap air max makes this comment
Thursday 4 March, 2010
Nike Air Max 2003
Nike Air Max 89
Nike Air Max 90
Nike Air Max 91
Nike Air Max 95
Nike Air Max 97
Louis vuitton bags makes this comment
Wednesday 3 March, 2010
Louis vuitton bags makes this comment
Wednesday 3 March, 2010
gucci shoes makes this comment
Tuesday 2 March, 2010
chi hair iron，
chi hair straightener，
chi hair tools
chi flat iron makes this comment
Tuesday 2 March, 2010
sina
[url="http://www.baidu.com"]baidu[/url]
google
[link=http://www.yahoo.com]yahoo[/link]
[a/]http://www.yahoo.com[a]yahoo[/a]
links of london makes this comment
Monday 1 March, 2010
qingimiss makes this comment
Monday 1 March, 2010
MBT Shoes Sale makes this comment
Saturday 27 February, 2010
mbt shoes sale mbt shoes sale
cheap mbt shoes cheap mbt shoes
mbt shoes chapa mbt shoes chapa
mbt lami mbt lami
mbt sport 2 mbt sport 2