National

Warned of the future demise of his environmental credentials by a wild-eyed Greens Senator in a converted-hybrid DeLorean, the 1985 Peter Garrett has traversed the space-time continuum to stop his future self abandoning his environmental principles.

Read more: 1985 Peter Garrett goes back to the future to prevent 2009 Peter Garrett

Starbucks Coffee has shut down most of its Australian stores and made their staff redundant, a move that was widely expected after a spate of closures in the US. The move came after the company’s sales figures confirmed market research predictions that Australian consumers were unwilling to pay $5 for a cup of hot milk.

Read more: Starbucks gives staff Double Mocha Sackuccino

While the racing world reels from the devastating effects of equine flu, there is one group feeling optimistic about the future. "It's a shame those trainers and horse owners have lost millions of dollars," said gambling addict Tommy Vincent. "But on the plus side, my son can get those braces he needs."

Read more: Gamblers' families welcome equine flu

Workplace Relations Minister Joe Hockey called John Howard the “Don Bradman of Australian politics” this week because his magnificent record of victories will be forever tarnished by an embarrassing defeat in his final contest. "I was originally trying to pay tribute to the PM's resiliance by evoking the image of the Don batting on and on forever, immovably," Hockey said. "But as a Costello supporter, the other implication doesn't exactly bother me."

Read more: Howard “like Bradman”: will fail in last innings

After almost two decades of catering to the musical tastes of the middle-aged, country singer James Blundell finally learned the secret of cornering the youth market – have regular sex with them. “I saw Jesse Curran at one of my concerts,” he revealed. “At first I thought she must’ve been there to hear my awesome live version of Way Out West, but it turned out she was just there with her dad."

Read more: James Blundell scores first-ever young fan

Embattled President George W. Bush says he now values John Howard's friendship more than ever. "After all these years, John and I find ourselves in a similar situation," he said during a joint press conference at APEC. "I'm prevented from being re-elected by the US Constitution, and he's prevented by public opinion."

Read more: Bush and Howard now closer than ever: in polls

Schools all across Australia have stridently denied the Federal Government's allegation that left-wing teachers are indoctrinating Rock Eisteddfod participants. "There's only one way to fight the insulting assertion that we don't have minds of our own," said Year 11 student Karen Carlon. "And that's with some snappy choreography to Queen and David Bowie's Under Pressure."

Read more: Rock Eisteddfod vows to fight Bishop censorship with dance routine

The beleaguered Immigration Minister, Kevin Andrews, is now claiming that Dr Mohamed Haneef visited a New York strip club in 2003. Andrews says the Australian Federal Police believe that Haneef visited Scores with a shady character known for his dubious morals, but the doctor has strenuously denied knowing Col Allan.

Read more: Andrews now claiming Haneef visited Scores

John Howard has released his first video on YouTube, providing much-needed diversion for the bored office workers whose votes he needs to win this year's election. The Prime Minister is delighted that he has managed to produce something that has received a better response from low-income workers than WorkChoices.

Read more: Howard YouTube video secures key 'bored secretary' vote

Always one step ahead of his political counterparts, Greens senator Bob Brown has joined social networking site Bebo, setting up an account under the name ‘Greenblooded'. "While other politicians go for the glitz and glamour of MySpace or the slick, corporate look of Facebook," he said in the ‘Me, My Life And I' section of his profile, "I chose an environmentally conscious alternative."

Read more: Bob Brown opens 'progressive' Bebo account