Sport

The Boulder Blue Wings, a local peewee hockey team, suffered a cup final loss to their arch-rivals the Falcons this Saturday. The devastating result ends a season marked by a combination of luck, team spirit and a never-say die attitude, all of which deserted the team in the face of superior and ruthless opposition

Read more: Shock as plucky team of misfits thrashed in grand final

The Australian cricket team has taken exception to Harbajhan Singh’s alleged comments about Andrew Symonds being a monkey, and told the Indian tourists in no uncertain terms that in this country, racial slurs are unacceptable when uttered by anyone other than Tony Greig.

Read more: Ponting condemns Harbhajan's racism, mother

Rugby League fans were shocked this week, by the unbelievable revelation that an overpaid, understimulated sportsman with plenty of free time had experimented with drugs. "I can't believe it," said Newcastle Knights fan Bill Adams. "Who would've thought a footballer would be anything but a moral paragon?"

Read more: Andrew Johns soils Rugby League's untarnished image

Iraq’s football team has won its first ever major trophy after defeating Saudi Arabia in the finals of this year’s Asian Football Cup, and ecstatic Baghdad residents diverted their regular gunfire into the air in celebration.

Read more: Iraq win Asian Cup: celebratory gunfire to continue indefinitely

The Australian Government's call for Ricky Ponting's side to abandon its tour to Zimbabwe has been echoed by their opponents. "We've suffered enough in this country without having to get thrashed by Australia again," captain Prosper Utseya said. "In my view, being made to face Brett Lee when you've only made the team because of a racially biased selection policy is cruel and unusual punishment."

Read more: Zimbabwe cricket team backs calls for Aust boycott

Fresh from his work with fashion designers Giorgio Armani and Paspale Pearls, Ian Thorpe is now consulting with a group of high-end European chemists to design a new range of stimulants "for the modern man". The new range of drugs will include "Thorpedo" and "gold medal" branded ecstasy tablets suitable for "parties, nightclubs and any other situation where people need their performance enhanced."

Read more: Ian Thorpe releases range of designer drugs

After learning of an Al Qaeda plot to kill the Australian cricket team during last year's Ashes series, many former and fringe Test players have come forward to offer their willingness to step in if something untoward were to happen. Former Test batsman Darren Lehmann said he would have been willing to play in England if the selectors' first-choice team had been murdered. "If Australia doesn't field a team, then the terrorists win," he said. "That's almost as bad as England winning."

Read more: Lehmann realises Al Qaeda plot his best chance of Ashes recall

With fair-weather conditions expected for the Grand Final, Sydney will again be awash with mint-condition guernseys, as the city rechristens the Swans "we" for 48 hours. Beer gardens more accustomed to the clink of cocktail glasses and the mild groove of chill-out compilations will soon resound with cries of "ball", shouted half-a-second behind the crowd at the ground.

Read more: Sydneysiders prepare for second day of supporting Swans ever

The Pakistani cricket team has signed up for a Darrell Hair replacement, insisting that the umpire participate in no further Pakistan Tests other than nuclear ones. However Pakistan captain Inzamam Ul-Haq said his interest had cooled after the umpire costed his replacement at $660,000. The umpire has admitted that his strict adherence to the laws of cricket in the Fourth Test has forced him to report himself for chucking his career during the match.

Read more: Pakistan says "yeah yeah" to Darrell Hair replacement

Despite reports he is more interested in pizza than swimming, Ian Thorpe has vowed to compete in the Beijing Olympics, across more than one lane if necessary. But there are fears the out-of-condition Thorpe could fall foul of the sport's strict "no bombing" rule. The star's management has reportedly already raised the matter with the IOC, requesting that Olympic swimming introduce weight divisions, and lift the ban on wearing hydro-dynamic girdles in the pool.  

Read more: Thorpe to swim in lanes 4,5,6 at Beijing Olympics