World

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has created a firestorm of controversy by demanding "some face time" with screen siren Megan Fox. "We must improve Italo-Megan Fox relations at once," Berlusconi announced to a parliament consisting largely of ex-Playmates. "Italy cannot afford to lapse into a Cold War with one who has such dangerous curves."

Read more: Berlusconi seeks "urgent summit" with Megan Fox

Read more: New Zealand moves 30cm closer to Australia, applies for dole

The Grand and Ancient Order of Freemasons has taken over the European Union for a three year period, in a move observers say will only expand their web of control and terror. Supreme Mason Sir Alfred Hinman began his period of tyrannical rule with an acceptance speech that preceded the traditional black mass.

Read more: Freemasons take up rotating EU Shadow Presidency

Jerome “Red” Fox, Jr, is trading in his diesel-fueled juggernaut for a mammoth, semi-electric super truck. “In my job, the dangers we face are very real. But no death-dealing machine has terrified me as much as the threat we face from climate change – hell, that’s a demolition derby for the planet,” he said.

Read more: Socially responsible redneck switches to hybrid monster truck

More than 5000 men and three women, clutching dog-eared rulebooks and dice, have gathered outside Dungeons & Dragons creator Gary Gygax's Wisconsin home this week, after learning the American game designer had died at the age of 69. Although official reports have blamed a heart attack, archmage Mordenkainen is claiming responsibility and demanding experience points for the kill.

Read more: Gary Gygax fails saving throw vs heart attack

Bowing to pressure from fellow Republicans, conservative media pundits and his numerous spouses, devout Mormon Mitt Romney announced he was no longer contesting the presidency. “If I’d stayed in, I'd have made it easier for Senator Clinton or Barack Obama to win. And in this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign be a part of aiding a surrender to terror,” he said. “Also, my third wife is trying for another child, and I really need to be around the compound when she's ovulating.”

Read more: Romney pulls out to spend more time with wives

In a victory bound to take the troubled singer's mind off her custody battle, Britney Spears has been crowned Mother Of The Year after a nationwide search. The competition spanned a variety of criteria, including community involvement, life/work balance and erratic behaviour. "No matter how many nominees we looked at, Britney's name came up again and again," said judge Julia Burris. "It's just a shame she was too drunk to come to the awards ceremony."

Read more: Britney Spears declared mother of the year

Author Salman Rushdie has gratefully received the honour of a knighthood, and is now looking forward to the protective measures that accompany it. The novelist has already asked if he can keep the guard of honour that accompanied him to the ceremony. "I know I've been critical of pomp and ceremony in the past," he said. "But I've come to appreciate some of the most ancient aspects of knighthood, like carrying a shield everywhere, and constantly praying for protection."

Read more: Rushdie delighted by knighthood: seeks armour

The former British Prime Minister Tony Blair has taken up a new role as a special envoy in the Middle East. The typically upbeat Blair has claimed he can solve the decades-old Arab-Israeli conflict in 45 minutes, a boast that regional experts say is no less implausible than his claim that Saddam Hussein could deploy WMDs against Britain in the same amount of time.

Read more: Middle East crisis worsens: Blair to get involved

After having to live with conservative prime ministers for nearly 30 years, British liberals are hoping Tony Blair's retirement will give their nation its first left-wing government in decades and a return to the glory days of Harold Wilson. "We're all holding our breath," said Labour voter Eric Cudlipp. "Maybe now we'll see some power returned to trade unions, welfare reform and a government that isn't in lockstep with Republican warmongers."

Read more: Blair exit ends 28 years of conservative rule