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Crown competitor spruiks untampered pokies that boast amazing .00001% chance of win
"Those are some great odds."
Outrage as rigged machines revealed to be slightly more rigged
"From now on I'll only be spending my money on psychic hotlines."
Harvey Weinstein, Rolf Harris and Bill Cosby to star in new remake of “Predator”
"The three were also rumoured to star in a remake of Child's play"
Oscars to introduce award for best performance denying abuse
"It's important to be able to separate the art from the multiple accusations of rape."
Australia celebrate ending only dream of perpetually war torn country
"Like taking candy from a severely oppressed baby"
“Women’s sport is irrelevant” claims man who still watches darts
"I only watch darts, F1, and occasionally ten pin bowling."
“Definition of marriage cannot change” claims church founded solely to change definition of marriage
"Marriage can only be defined by our King in Heaven, Henry VIII."
Turnbull criticises Howard for not putting gun ownership to plebiscite
"It was cowardly and selfish"
Local man hopes hangover is obvious enough to get out of social situations
He's reportedly not hungover enough to drink water though
Howard takes victory lap around the city following latest mass shooting
"You're all alive because of me" he shouted smugly at passing Greens voters