With the sale of 75% of PBL Media to a foreign superannuation company, James Packer has finally given up control of the family's media empire. When asked what he planned to do with the $5 billion proceeds of the deal, Packer said he intends to "make the leap Dad never did - into intelligent, engaging media ventures".

"I realised people would rather watch pyramids line up on a Queen Of The Nile poker machine than sit through another half an hour of Bert Newton's hammy, faux-Vaudevillian presenting," said Packer, who plans to expand his gambling empire. He has already begun headhunting talent from the network for his new operation, with Eddie McGuire taking charge of Crown Casino's roulette division and Karl Stefanovic tipped to be the "face" of Packer's online gambling sites. "We were going to use Richard Wilkins, but test groups logged off in droves every time he appeared on their monitors," Packer explained.

In related news, Alan Jones has been unceremoniously sacked from Today by the new administration, as part of a long-term plan to capture younger viewers. "Apparently Nine's new target audience aren't interested in ill-thought, hysterical rhetoric from out-of-touch Liberal Party stooges," he said, obviously reading from an autocue. "I'm Alan Jones."

Meanwhile, both the NRL and AFL Footy Show teams are feeling nervous about the company's takeover by a international company, especially with Scottish 36-year-old Adrian Mackenzie running CVC Asia Pacific's Australian operations. "It's a matter of cultural context," explained Paul ‘Fatty' Vautin. "How's a Scotsman gonna understand the connection between rugby league commentary and a big, boofy bloke dressed up as a lady?"

{sidebar id=1}PBL's new chief executive, Ian Law, has been quick to allay fears of asset-stripping and downsizing. "I'm confident Nine's new line-up will bring the network back to prominence - we've just bought the rights to make a local version of an exciting new Dutch reality show. As a kidney patient, I think Kerry would've approved of the premise."

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