While the racing world reels from the devastating effects of equine flu, there is one group feeling optimistic about the future. "It's a shame those trainers and horse owners have lost millions of dollars," said gambling addict Tommy Vincent. "But on the plus side, my son can get those braces he needs."

"Die, you four-legged homewreckers," screamed housewife Flo Black, whose husband routinely blows all his family's grocery-shopping money at the track, upon hearing of the viral outbreak. "Cough yourselves to death and rot in your mucous-ridden graves." 

According to experts, horse flu has had the biggest impact on Australia's gambling industry since a group of Victorian poker machines caught a computer virus in 2001. "Just like those days, we can look forward to seeing a rise in family boardgame nights and a decrease in drunken arguments and barrel-wearing," said family psychologist Lyn Fields.

{sidebar id=1}Other sectors are feeling the effects of the illness, with Federal Agriculture Minister Peter McGauran offering emergency relief packages to a number of milliners and fascinator designers. "These people are the forgotten victims of equine flu," he said. "Without racing carnivals, there's really no reason for anyone to wear the ridiculous headgear that is their bread and butter." 

"It's a terrible shame about the horses - but at least I still have the dishlickers," said lovable punter Jack Bleakley, withdrawing a large sum of money from his wife's savings account. "All I need is one trifecta, and the kids'll be getting Christmas presents this year."

The Impact Of Horse Flu Equine influenza crashed into Australia's racing industry and caused a sniffly, sore-throated ruckus. In the wake of the epidemic, life has become very difficult for riders, trainers and owners...not to mention the afflicted horses themselves. In fact, since the first case was recorded earlier this year: * Sales of equine Dimetapp, Vicks Hay Drops and giant tissues have skyrocketed * Bart Cummings has hocked his Golden Slippers and started selling Big Issue to make ends meet * Jockeys have been forced to take up humiliating positions in Wizard Of Oz stageshows and those TV ads where it's really funny because they've been given deep voices * Trainers have experimented with teaching other animals to race - so far they've had no luck fitting wombats or kangaroos with saddles, but the emus could be a goer * Some affected horses have become depressed, leading them to dye their manes black, comb them into a side fringe and start listening to My Chemical Romance * Angry tween girls have been ritually burning their Saddle Club DVDs * Johnny Tapp has released an album of his greatest calls to raise money for destitute racing identities

 

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