Fast food giant KFC has reassured customers that even in the event of total contamination of the world’s chicken stocks by bird flu, its menu will remain safe. “Bird flu should be of no concern to anyone consuming KFC products” a spokesperson said. “Unless, of course, it can be spread to rabbits.” 

Kentucky Fake Chicken

But KFC believe they have the crisis well in hand. “We’ve come a long way since the Colonel first came up with those eleven secret herbs and spices,” its website said. “Since then we’ve added thirty four secret preservatives and fats - at least, secret to the health inspectors.”

The website advised customers who required further reassurance to simply dip their ‘chicken’ pieces in industrial-grade disinfectant before eating them. “Any of our four dipping sauces will be fine,” it said.

The news has come as a great relief to the community. “KFC customers shouldn’t have to worry about dying from the bird flu,” said one fast food enthusiast. “They should die the old-fashioned way - from heart attacks.”

The Department of Health has accepted KFC’s risk assessment, leaving unchanged its advisory that states that the only edible KFC product is its moist towelette.