Contestants on would-be-royalty reality show Australian Princess have expressed concerns about having to give birth in a newly added segment on the show, after Princess Mary gave birth this week. The new round will see contestants forced to give birth while a sneering Paul Burrell looks on, ridiculing their childbearing technique and posture. In line with royal custom, if any of the children are considered valuable, Burrell will then steal and try to hock them.

The new prince settles in to a lifetime of being pampered like a baby

“I’m very worried about having a baby at such a young age,” said contestant Laura. “While I agree that the skill on the show I’m most suited to is teen pregnancy, I find the royal tradition of not applying for welfare very daunting.”

Meanwhile, other would-be princesses are already trying to woo Princess Mary’s son. Several of Australia’s most eligible single ladies have been seen frequenting the maternity ward of the Copenhagen University Hospital, swilling cocktails in revealingly low-cut eveningwear. “I hear he might be a breast man,” one potential princess explained.

“He just looks so regal,” another suitor gushed. “At least as regal as one can look while they’re crying, vomiting and pooping their pants.”

The Danish public fully supports the drive to marry off the newborn Prince. “He’s been around for six days now. It’s about time he got on with breeding,” said one Dane. "He's placing an incredible amount of pressure on Mary’s grandchildren to breed quickly after they’re born by being so tardy in creating them."

Royal celebrations also took place in Britain today as the public marked Prince Harry’s fifteenth consecutive month without criminal activity.