After almost two decades of catering to the musical tastes
of the middle-aged, country singer James Blundell finally learned the secret of
cornering the youth market – have regular sex with them. “I saw Jesse Curran at
one of my concerts,” he revealed. “At first I thought she must’ve been there to hear my awesome live version of Way Out West, but it turned out she was just there with her dad."News
In what has been described as a massive coup for Australia's
environmental movement, the nation's homeless have put their support behind the
push to phase out giant plastic bags. "This is a great day for Mother Nature,"
said Clean Up Australia spokesman Ian Kiernan. "From now on, we can expect to
see homeless people using reusable giant green bags to carry their meagre possessions,
not those planet-harming stripey plastics."
While the racing world reels from the devastating effects of
equine flu, there is one group feeling optimistic about the future. "It's a
shame those trainers and horse owners have lost millions of dollars," said gambling
addict Tommy Vincent. "But on the plus side, my son can get those braces he
needs."
In a victory bound to take the troubled singer's mind off
her custody battle, Britney Spears has been crowned Mother Of The Year after a
nationwide search. The competition spanned a variety of criteria, including
community involvement, life/work balance and erratic behaviour. "No matter how
many nominees we looked at, Britney's name came up again and again," said judge
Julia Burris. "It's just a shame she was too drunk to come to the awards
ceremony."
Workplace Relations Minister Joe Hockey called John Howard
the “Don Bradman of Australian politics” this week because his
magnificent record of victories will be forever tarnished by
an embarrassing defeat in his final contest. "I was originally trying to
pay tribute to the PM's resiliance by evoking the image of the Don
batting on and on forever, immovably," Hockey said. "But as a Costello
supporter, the other implication doesn't exactly bother me."
Former signwriter and current member of the walking dead,
Trevor Fleck, has voiced his outrage at what he calls "the blatant inaccuracies
of Facebook's ‘Zombies' application". Fleck has called upon his fellow zombies
to join him in a Million Mob March against "lame, bullshit online media portrayal of
flesh-eating monsters".
Rugby League fans were shocked this week, by the
unbelievable revelation that an overpaid, understimulated sportsman with plenty
of free time had experimented with drugs. "I can't believe it," said Newcastle
Knights fan Bill Adams. "Who would've thought a footballer would be anything
but a moral paragon?"
After almost two decades of catering to the musical tastes
of the middle-aged, country singer James Blundell finally learned the secret of
cornering the youth market – have regular sex with them. “I saw Jesse Curran at
one of my concerts,” he revealed. “At first I thought she must’ve been there to hear my awesome live version of Way Out West, but it turned out she was just there with her dad."
Embattled President George W. Bush says he now values John Howard's
friendship more than ever. "After all these years, John and I find
ourselves in a similar situation," he said during a joint press
conference at APEC. "I'm prevented from being re-elected by the US
Constitution, and he's prevented by public opinion."
Despite regularly winning the Thursday night trivia at his local
watering hole, history buff Gerald Sugden failed to answer a single
question correctly during his one-night stint on the Nine Network’s Temptation.
Viewers say Sugden occasionally attempted to press his buzzer, but for
the most part sat silently, with an intense look of sweaty, baffled
concentration.
Schools all across Australia
have stridently denied the Federal Government's allegation that left-wing
teachers are indoctrinating Rock Eisteddfod participants. "There's only one way
to fight the insulting assertion that we don't have minds of our own," said
Year 11 student Karen Carlon. "And that's with some snappy choreography to Queen
and David Bowie's Under Pressure."
Seeking to follow in the footsteps of well-received movies
like Spider-Man 3, Shrek The Third and Pirates Of The
Caribbean: At World's End, director Stephen Herek has announced plans to
make Bill & Ted's Radical Pilgrimage later this year. "I think the
time is right for us to all learn what happened to the dudes 16 years on," he
said. "Are they still married to the babes? Are the Wyld Stallyns still
together?"
In the wake of fresh crackdowns on unlawful file-sharing,
Peter Andre has announced that he personally has no problem with people making
digital copies of his work and trading them online. "If the people want to hear
my work, who am I to stand in their way?" he said. "I sang 'Gimme Little
Sign' for the fans, not for the money."
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