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New ACTU leader Jeff Lawrence has come under heavy fire from the Coalition, who claim he is little more than a puppet of the union movement. "The ACTU can't even pretend it's free from the influence of the union movement," said Health Minister Tony Abbott in a parliamentary broadside. "And here they are, nominating another faceless union bureaucrat to be their leader. The last ACTU leader was a union man, this bloke's a union man, and mark my words - the next bloke will be a union man too," said Abbott, to loud cries of 'hear hear' from the the Government benches. "

The Royal Swedish Academy of Arts and Scientists will break with more of a century of tradition to award their first award for effort, rather than excellence. Stung by criticisms that the body was elitist, the Academy has announced a new 'Most Improved' Category, for those trying hard in their given field.

Celebrity footballer Wayne Freehold reaffirmed his commitment to charitable causes yesterday, when he agreed to make an appearance for disabled children's charity Bright Futures, or as he calls it "that fucking thing with the kids". The announcement was made in a late-night cell-phone call with his agent, Michael Liebowitz, who laughingly declared the footballer "a bloody humanitarian."

After gathering dust on a rumpus room bookshelf for more than seven years, a faded copy of Tae Bo Gold has been consigned to the dump during a moment of self-awareness on the part of its owner, accounts payable clerk Teri Rosewater. "Every other time I've cleaned that room, I've told myself I'll get back into Tae Bo one day," she said. "This time, I had to face the facts. After all, we don't even own a VCR anymore."

Defying the Biblical concept of free will, Sydney Archbishop George Pell has ordered Catholic MPs to follow his moral lead or risk the fires of damnation. "Politicians who support stem cell legislation must realise their voting has consequences for their place in the life of the church," he said. "My conscience is clear...as it should be to any God-fearing elected official who wants communion next Sunday. Let he who is without sin cast the first vote."

Prime Minister John Howard has revealed an ambitious scheme to trade carbon dioxide emissions for votes in the upcoming Federal Election. The scheme involves companies trading pollution with each other in the form of political capital for the Coalition.