Convicted
terrorist David Hicks will soon return to Australia under a plea
bargain that will see him serve nine months in jail and bar him from
commenting on his case. Hicks has been warned that under a variation
on the US's famous Miranda Rights, anything he says can be used
against him in a non-court of retrospective law.
News
Although the pair have no immediate intentions to quit
churning out episode after episode of catchphrase-based comedy, Little
Britain creators Matt Lucas and David Walliams have annouced that even they
have grown weary of the show's repetitious, endlessly quoted toilet humour. "It's a dilemma, because we're sick to death of it, but it's just so lucrative," Lucas said. "The BBC keeps asking us to do more, and we say yeah, but no, but yeah, but no. But then they wave even more money at us, and we say yeah."
Prince William has dumped his middle-class
girlfriend Kate Middleton, saying she won’t make a suitable
royal wife. “Kate was lovely, but ultimately we are from
different social circles,” William said. “If I’m
going to settle down, I need to find a suitable mother for my
children. And, at the same time, a long-lost cousin.”
After 27 heroic years of dedicated public service, Zimbabwean president
Robert Mugabe is facing the prospect of early retirement at the hands
of ill health and/or an angry opposition. "Even our rigged opinion polls
show he is lagging in popularity," said ZANU-PF minister Nhamodzenyika
Gallup.
In the wake of broadcaster Alan Jones' negative comments about Lebanese
gangs at the Cronulla riots, the controversial community has decided to
take action to improve its image. After a series of fundraising
ventures including garage sales,
lamington drives and an eligible bachelor auction, Australia's
Lebanese community have finally raised enough money to purchase the
public approval
and respect of Alan Jones.
Fresh from his
work with fashion designers Giorgio Armani and Paspale Pearls, Ian
Thorpe is now consulting with a group of high-end European chemists to
design a new range of stimulants "for the modern man". The new
range of drugs will include "Thorpedo" and "gold medal"
branded ecstasy tablets suitable for "parties, nightclubs and any
other situation where people need their performance enhanced."
Geriatric rockstar Keith Richards has hit out at the media this month, claiming he was joking when he told British music mag NME
he had snorted his dad Bert's remains in 2002. The Rolling Stones
guitarist says the media are "making a mountain out of a relatively
small pile of cadaver-infused cocaine."
A suburban engagement party was rescued at the eleventh hour
this week, thanks to the quick thinking of a plucky DJ. Despite the open bar
and extensive buffet, attendees refused to mingle, drink too much or properly
celebrate the upcoming union of the guests of honour. The crisis was only averted by the narrowest of margins after the DJ finally succeeded in breaking the ice with Tina Turner's 1973
hit 'Nutbush City Limits'.
When
Special Agent Olivia Martinez started a sting operation to catch
online sex predator Karl Bute Jnr, she thought it would be a routine
assignment. She never suspected that the man she was entrapping would
end up entrapping her heart.
The Government has approved the sale of 49% of Qantas to overseas
investors after securing a deal to protect jobs, regional air services
and itself from damaging fallout ahead of the next election. "If the
sale goes ahead, I want to reassure our loyal customers that we will
still call Australia home," CEO Geoff Dixon said. "Primarily in our
marketing campaigns."
In what has been seen by many as a cathartic move for the
troubled nation of Iraq,
Saddam Hussein has been sentenced to death for ordering the killing of 148
Shi'ites in 1982. After much deliberation, the judge decided the most
cost-effective means of execution was simply to drop the former dictator from a
low-flying plane, onto the streets of Baghdad.
"Saddam will be dressed in a US
army uniform, armed with a blunt machete and jettisoned in an escape pod,"
explained Judge Arif Shaheen. "Insurgents will take care of the rest."
Peaking demand for
commodities, investor jitters and competition with Japan have all
been blamed for the recent Shanghai stock market crash, but now
fingers are being pointed at a more familiar culprit - Microsoft
software. Expecting a standard operating system, traders panicked when
confronted with a series of ethereal, floating squares, a design one described as "even more wanky than a Mac, with none of the
functionality."
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