The Chaser

Junkie genuinely needs two dollars for train fare

Heroin addict James Sheffield, 37, found himself in difficulty today when he was exactly two dollars short for the train fare to Frankston. The journey, Sheffield explained, was work-related, and of an urgent nature. “Yeah I got a job interview at 4, right, but they only told me fucken two hours ago. So I’m like – fuck, I gotta get up and get to fucken Frankston,” he said. “It’s bullshit.”

Schwarzenegger ends term as Governor: lowers himself into molten metal

Arnold Schwarzenegger has ended his tenure as California Governor in controversial fashion, offering a frank apology for his shortcomings before slowly lowering himself into an industrial vat of molten metal. Battered by years of criticism and accusations of faltering economic management, Schwarzenegger could only muster a plaintive “thumbs up” sign before turning away from reporters and activating a mechanical hoist to take him to a certain fiery demise.

Aung San Suu Kyi finally puts bins out

Aung thumbnailAfter Burma’s military junta finally ended her house arrest, Daw Aung San Suu Kyi began her long-awaited freedom by stacking fifteen years’ worth of rubbish outside her Rangoon home. As she piled several hundred cardboard boxes on her doorstep, the leader of the National League for Democracy thanked her supporters for their constant support, and Guido’s Pizzeria for its constant deliveries.

Man spends entire camping trip trying to get phone reception

Occasional outdoorsman Don Feist has spent an entire “get away from it all” weekend trip trying to regain contact with the outside world, friends report. Minutes after his arrival at a remote campsite, the thirtysomething IT manager began asking whether his companions didn’t have any reception either, and after a token effort to set up camp was soon wandering around the fringes of the clearing, holding his handset aloft.

Qantas under investigation for impersonating an airline

In the wake of a string of technical mishaps and near-disasters, the company known as ‘Qantas’ is to be investigated for fraudulently trading as a passenger airline, the AFP announced today. The organisation is alleged to have duped thousands of Australians into believing they were purchasing efficient, safe and comfortable air travel with a reputable carrier.

Sarah Palin’s address to the Australian Tea Party

Thank you, thank you so much for joining the Tea Party. And thank you so much for paying my $25,000,000 fee for a video message. It’s a small price to pay for Freedom! Do you love Freedom? If you love Freedom give yourself a big round of applause! Just like the Founding Fathers and Ronald Reagan intended! Woo!

Marauding Mongols slowed by complex visa requirements

The marauding armies of Genghis Khan have encountered their first strong opposition, being stopped at the border by the customs officers of the neighbouring Tangut province. “We forgot to apply for a visa 90 days before our invasion,” said one disappointed General in Khan’s army. “So we will have to wait here and pay extra for an expedited visa.”

Keith Windschuttle found still fighting culture war on remote tropical island

Searchers say they have found controversial historian Keith Windschuttle living on a sparsely populated atoll in the Pacific Ocean, apparently unaware that the culture war has been finished for years. While they are yet to contact the scholar directly, his dishevelled form has been spotted in heavy jungle, and rescue parties have found apparent attempts to construct a rudimentary think-tank. Survival experts say his food supplies have run out, and he may be surviving on pure spite.

Man goes on low-carb beer diet

With precious few months to go before summer, Wollongong resident Scott Barton has instituted a health regime to reduce his weight. “I’ve heard all these stories about blokes hitting the gym too hard and having heart attacks,” he said. “So I’ve decided to focus on diet – from now on, I’ll be eating Subway instead of Macca’s and snacking on Pizza Shapes between meals.”

Smoking toddler now just bumming off mates

A two-year-old Indonesian boy, Ardi Rizal, made headlines around the world when it was revealed that he smoked up to 40 cigarettes a day. But it’s now been revealed that the child has not cut out his cigarette consumption, only his willingness to pay for them.

Drunk guy experiments with booty tweets

Serial sleaze Kevin Thornton has experimented with cutting-edge social media to procure late night sex, using Twitter instead of his traditional booty call or booty SMS. Thornton, who is 29 and single, sent out the tweet asking for sex to his 43 followers towards the end of a heavy boozing session. He agreed the experiment was not undertaken in ideal conditions, occurring shortly after he vomited in a 24 hour McDonald’s.

Election Collection now on DVD

A decade of democracy. A decade of Chaser election shows. This box set features The Chaser’s election series The Election Chaser (2001), The Chaser Decides (2004 and 2007) and Yes We Canberra (2010). The Election Chaser from 2001 is The Chaser’s very first television series. The 2001, 2004 and 2007 series have never been released on DVD before. It’s your chance to own your own piece of alternative Australian political history.

Order now from The Chaser Store

The Chaser Annual 2010 out now

This year the Chaser team are back in print where they belong, and more unpalatable than ever before. They’ve put aside the inconvenience of all that stage and television tomfoolery to serve up another slice of topical ridiculousness straight from Australian satire’s finest sweatshop. Like its predecessors, The Chaser Annual 2010 will once again occupy the team’s traditional position right beside the nation’s toilets.

Introducing The Chaser’s Empty Vessel live series

Fresh from their success in lowering the standards of Australian TV, The Chaser team are now aiming to reduce the quality of public talks and discussion, with a brand new live event.

The Empty Vessel is a freewheeling talkfest presented by a semi-random selection people from the Chaser team in a relaxed and intoxicating (ie fully licensed) atmosphere.

We’re very pleased to be using FBi Radio’s awesome new live venue experiment, FBi Social, as a platform to develop The Empty Vessel in the lead-up to the Sydney Writers’ Festival.

The Empty Vessel will be filled with different and unexpected things each night, but will always feature:

  • special guests
  • lively and/or defamatory discussion
  • hardcore Q&A
  • great yarns and great music from FBi’s very own Jack Shit.

For guest information or to buy tickets,  visit our Empty Vessel page.

Get The Chaser app for iPhone and iPad

OUR APP IS CURRENTLY ON SPECIAL – JUST $1.19 IN AUSTRALIA!

Now, for the first time, iPhone owners can view The Chaser’s content anywhere, and make a call to talkback radio to complain about it, all from the same device! With this app from the infamous Australian comedy group, you can get our e xclusive news articles and video content at a price that’s even lower than our morals. Note that some content requires an ongoing subscription – the app purchase includes 30 days’ full access.

This is a universal app, including both an iPhone/iPod touch and larger iPad version, and the same subscription will cover up to 5 of your devices.

All purchasers will receive ongoing access to the following whether they’re subscribers or not:

  • up-to-the-minute NEWS articles that are to truth and accuracy what Fox News is to fairness and balance [limited]
  • classic VIDEO from The Chaser’s award-losing and criminal-record-winning tv shows [limited]
  • regular FEATURES written by the world’s finest comedy writers, or alternatively whoever happen to be in The Chaser office at the time [limited]
  • up to the minute HEADLINES delivered via push notification
  • topical CARTOONS from our stable of genius cartoonists
  • photo GALLERIES from behind the scenes of The Chaser’s TV and stage productions
  • information about Chaser EVENTS and other shenanigans
  • handy access to The Chaser’s official TWITTER FEED

Active subscribers receive access to the following additional material:

  • Full access to all NEWS STORIES, including exclusive, subscriber-only material
  • Full access to all VIDEO and AUDIO, including exclusive new material recorded specially for the app, as well as bonus materials from our TV shows
  • the world’s first iPhone NEWSBAR which runs around the clock, or until your battery dies

Extending your subscription another 30 days will cost the same as the app’s initial price. Longer renewals are even cheaper.

Click here to get the app via iTunes

Ever since we started our original newspaper in 1999, The Chaser’s mission statement has been “Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence”. Now, for the first time, we deliver you iMediocrity in a world of iExcellence. The Chaser App. Buy now. Regret later.

Gillard caught smuggling Howard refugee policy

100707refugeeboat120Prime Minister Julia Gillard has attempted to appeal to both left and right in the refugee debate by playing a dog whistle and a bongo drum at the same time. Speaking at the Lowy Institute, she outlined a plan to process refugees in East Timor without demonising them in the process. “Now is not the time to blame all our ills on refugees,” she said. “That time will be slightly closer to the election.”

Kevin Rudd reaches due season

100622rudd_spill120Kevin Rudd will shortly face a Caucus vote on his leadership, having had his career Bill Shortened. It is now expected that Julia Gillard will become Australia’s first ranga Prime Minister. Shocked by the spill, Kevin Rudd has declared that Gillard has launched “the greatest immoral challenge of this generation.”

The Chaser’s Socceroos Drinking Game

100618socceroos_120It’s the World Cup in South Africa, and we’ve got the drinking game for you! To promote responsible drinking, though, we are pleased to offer you two levels of drinking game. Please choose whichever best matches your intended level of inebriation.

Queen’s Birthday holiday: Socceroos take the day off

100615kewellbeach_120Socceroos coach Pim Verbeek has hit back at criticism of his decision to field a team with no strikers for the team’s 4-0 World Cup loss to Germany. The Socceroos’ game coincided with the announcement of Queen’s Birthday Honours for people who have made a significant contribution to Australia. There were no Socceroos on the list, although Pim Verbeek has received a medal for services to German football.