The Liberal Party have continued their victory lap regarding the deportation of anti-vaxxer Novak Djokovic today, celebrating the first ever time the law makers have known the law well enough to win a lawsuit.

“These anti-vaxxers are a danger to society,” said the PM today. “There is no place for that sort of nonsense on the sporting fields, it should be confined to fringe spaces like say the government benches in federal parliament.”

“I know some of you are calling for people like George Christensen to be deported, but that is not going to happen. Although credit to him he did offer to deport himself to Manila for me.”

In response Barnaby Joyce has slammed the Morrison government for not going “far enough” with Djokovic, saying that Morrison should have been ready to euthanize the player if he doesn’t upload an apology video with Johnny Depp.

NSW Premier Dominic Perrottet has today sought to calm concerned NSW residents following warnings of potential Tsunamis, by telling residents that these are only ‘mild’ warnings and the coastal region will need to learn to live with tsunamis going forward.

“This is just the world we live in today,” explained the Premier. “Tsunamis are here to stay and we need to just move on and let them rip.”

“We acknowledge that Tsunamis may be a risk for some people, so we all must work together to protect ourselves and others by learning how to swim. Obviously our heroic life-guards will be essential in this process, and as such we will be rewarding them with an empty about how well they are doing while I stay safe at a resort as far inland as I can get.”

Asked whether he would consider increasing funding or staff for Lifesavers given the inevitable increase in tsunami victims, Perrottet scoffed. “If we all just ride the wave we’ll be fine,” explained the Premier. “I’m sure business will thank us if we make sure to just get this thing over with quickly. What do you mean shelves can’t get packed because all supermarket staff have been sucked out to sea? Nobody could have predicted this!”

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has also spoken out on the issue, telling reporters that his government is investing $3.5 billion into a cutting edge gas-fired response to tsunamis, as well as 12 new tanks.

 

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today declared making RAT’s free a silly idea, asking why a government would hand out free things to everyone when 60% of those people are never going to vote for them.

“It’s just not economically workable,” explained Morrison. “We don’t have any money left after buying those car parks, a block of dirt in Western Sydney and making a small donation to a blind trust.”

The Prime Minister also explained that Australia is still reeling from the expenses from when they scrapped the $90B submarine deal with France after spending $6B to not buy any submarines.

A government insider has since revealed the main reason France was cut out of the deal was the government didn’t want the deal to be a FRAKUS.

Prime Minister of Australia Scott Morrison has fronted the media today, excited to be in a situation where he wont be compared to Boris Johnson for the first time in his career.

“My government would never be in the sort of controversy we’re seeing in the UK,” explained the PM. “I would never bring a party together or plan anything during the pandemic. You’re welcome Australia.”

“Boris Johnson clearly does not understand what leadership is about. You can’t hold parties during a pandemic, parties require large amounts of people in inclosed spaces all of whom need catering. That would require me to make food readily available.”

“To make a plan and enact it with all your peers, it’s just irresponsible. I have avoided that as much as I possibly can the last couple years. You’re welcome Australia.”