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Andrew Johns soils Rugby League’s untarnished image

ImageRugby League fans were shocked this week, by the
unbelievable revelation that an overpaid, understimulated sportsman with plenty
of free time had experimented with drugs. "I can’t believe it," said Newcastle
Knights fan Bill Adams. "Who would’ve thought a footballer would be anything
but a moral paragon?"

Image

A knight wishes he could chase the dragon

Rugby League fans were shocked this week, by the
unbelievable revelation that an overpaid, understimulated sportsman with plenty
of free time had experimented with drugs. "I can’t believe it," said Newcastle
Knights fan Bill Adams. "Who would’ve thought a footballer would be anything
but a moral paragon?"

Andrew ‘Joey’ Johns, who was caught with ecstasy at a London
train station, claimed a stranger had slipped the drug into his pocket at a
nightclub: "People are always giving me things without me knowing. Booze, pills,
Dally M medals – you name it. I’m usually too out of it to notice." 

During a televised interview with Phil Gould, Johns told of
his 12-year dalliance with drugs and alcohol. "In some ways, ecstasy actually
improved my game," he said. "I’d just get out there and want to tackle every
player on the other team and give them a big kiss. The scrums were the best
bit, though. They’re like a massive group hug."

The Footy Show has handled the issue tastefully, with
host Paul Vautin declaring a month-long moratorium on "That’s Gold!" calls to
mourn the loss of League’s innocence. Paul Harrogan has been wearing a black
armband, and Reg Reagan has been sporting a ‘Bring Back The Spliff’ T-shirt. 

{sidebar id=1}In the wake of Johns’ confession, other prominent
Australian sportspeople have admitted to using illicit substances. "I’ve been taking hallucinogenics
for decades," said legendary swimming coach Laurie Lawrence. "I’m amazed no-one
noticed my erratic behaviour."

Although some of his sponsors have terminated his
endorsement contracts, Johns has received messages of support from Kate Moss,
George Michael and Malcolm Fraser. "This sort of thing can happen to anyone,"
claimed Wendell Sailor. "Andrew should be thanking his stars they didn’t catch
him a week earlier, when we were snorting coke off that hooker’s tits."