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Bradbury inspires Aussie athletes to stop trying in bid for gold

[Edition 52] SALT LAKE CITY, Monday: Following the miraculous victory of speed skater Stephen Bradbury in the 1000m race in Salt Lake City, a number of other Australian athletes are set to adopt a similarly lackadaisical approach to their events.

World Champion Ohno passing Bradbury and Lady Luck earlier in the race

[Edition 52] SALT LAKE CITY, Monday: Following the miraculous victory of speed skater Stephen Bradbury in the 1000m race in Salt Lake City, a number of other Australian athletes are set to adopt a similarly lackadaisical approach to their events.

Bradbury explained that his pre-race plan was simply to skate slowly behind the pack while holding onto the railing, in the hope that he wouldn’t get too tired or slip over and wet his arse. He became the winner of Australia’s first ever Winter Olympics gold medal when the four competitors ahead of him fell short of the finish line.

Excited by the possibility of winning more gold, the entire Australian team has decided to abandon their training programs and emulate Bradbury’s tactics.

“It’s grouse,” enthused cross-country hopeful Albert Moore. “This way, if everyone else fucks up, I get gold. And if they don’t, who gives? Either way, I don’t have to train, so I can go out on the piss in the athlete’s village and score every night.”

Team officials said they were aware that Bradbury had not trained for the event, but expressed surprise at news that other team members had been making a genuine effort. “We thought they were all taking the piss,” said AOC President John Coates.

Even Australia’s ice-skating judges, who as yet haven’t been invited to give scores at the Games, have determined that their best chance of engineering a gold medal for Australia is simply to wait for judges from all other nations to disqualify themselves.