[Edition 26] MOSCOW, Tuesday: Russian naval authorities today faced staunch criticism, and the anger of a nation gripped by tragedy, as they conceded that all 118 Russian submariners trapped in the nuclear submarine, the Kursk, had died.

Naval authorities, and their technical advisor, teen idol and pop singer Britney Spears, blamed poor weather, and the presence of “just, like, the most water” as being the critical factors.

The Navy task force, has been led by Admiral Vladimir Kuroyedov, recognised as early as Thursday that the Kursk’s situation as “very grim”. Spears, who, in addition to thrilling millions with smash hits such as “Hit Me Baby One More Time” and having a “massive” crush on His Royal Highness, Prince William, was called in on the basis of her expertise in dealing with the foreign media.

Sources close to the Russian Navy suggested that the Russian President, Vladimir Putin, may also have influenced the selection process with his enthusiastic support.

According to Putin’s senior press aide, there followed an eight-hour brain-storming session with Spears, the Russian President, Admiral Kuroyedov and experienced Naval engineers, during which many of the Russian contingent pitched plans and ideas to reach the trapped nuclear-powered vessel, and many of whom had to leave repeatedly for
cold showers during the meeting.

Admiral Kuroyedov described the principal obstacle to further rescue attempts being the large volume of water discovered by Spears between the rescuers and the submarine. “We had hoped at first to simply haul them [the trapped submariners] out using a rope, or perhaps send a truck, seeing as there are so many. Britney thought, on the other hand, that her limo might be able to stop by and pick them up, especially if they wore their cute dress uniforms. But we have discovered conclusive evidence that the oceanic conditions involved include the need to get through a simply enormous volume of water to reach the sub. We simply had no idea that this would be the
case.”

Admiral Kuroyedov later provided Western journalists with a scale model of the water mass involved, and also a Navy artist’s impression of the submarine being unable to be seen due to the poor visibility. “It turns out that, in this type of situation, the ocean itself becomes the obstacle. Our experts have calculated that the volume of water between us and the submarine could fill the space above the submarine, trapped 107 metres below us, to a depth of 107 metres” he added. Britney Spears completed the press briefing by performing her hit single, “Sometimes”, from her upcoming EP.

Meanwhile, Mr Putin has denied claims that he was copying US President Bill Clinton, but admitted that he – like Bill – had let dead seamen stain his reputation.