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Camp David peace talks stall as Israeli delegation refuses to cede jacuzzi

[Edition 25] THURMONT, Friday: The historic Middle East peace talks taking place at the US President’s Maryland retreat, Camp David, stalled yesterday over the often controversial issue of waterways. The deadlock came after the Israeli delegation refused to cede the Camp David jacuzzi to the Palestinian delegation following a hard day’s negotiation.

Ehud Barak … ‘this jacuzzi is my homeland’

[Edition 25] THURMONT, Friday: The historic Middle East peace talks taking place at the US President’s Maryland retreat, Camp David, stalled yesterday over the often controversial issue of waterways. The deadlock came after the Israeli delegation refused to cede the Camp David jacuzzi to the Palestinian delegation following a hard day’s negotiation.

President Barak claimed that the issue was central to the peace process. “If I don’t relax now I’m just not going to be able to sleep peacefully tonight,” he noted.

President Clinton initially attempted to solve the deadlock by calling in a preacher from Arkansas to “tell ’em some homespun truths about God”, but the plan was aborted at the last moment when a State Department aide remembered that the Palestinians were in fact Moslem and the Jews Jewish. The President decide instead to rely upon some of his own ‘homespun truths that his mommy told him when he wuz a boy’.

Despite the calming effect this had on the situation, the Palestinians nevertheless rejected a deal which would have seen them gain access to the jacuzzi in return for ceding any claims to the Sea of Galilee. The Palestinians remained unmoved even after they were offered the right to toast their marshmallows before the Israelis in front of that night’s campfire.

Attempts to pass a resolution through the UN Security Council calling for the Israelis to leave the jacuzzi was vetoed by the United States.
The jacuzzi disagreement followed a bad day of negotiations. The talks were initially delayed after the Palestinian delegation woke to discover that several Israeli negotiators had set up camp on the balcony of the Palestinian cabin.

The Israelis claimed that there was not enough room in their cabins and that they had a right to settle on the unused ‘land’ of the Palestinians. In retaliation, the Palestinians launched what they described as a ‘jihad’ on the Israelis, showering their delegation with water bombs. Camp leaders claimed that if the parties behaviour continued in this manner that both parties would be forced to spend next summer at home.

News of progress from the Camp David talks has been minimal due to strict rules forbidding communication with the outside world. Camp leader Bill Clinton justified this by saying that the parties found it easier to get over their homesickness if they weren’t allowed to talk to the media or call home.