Local Sydney family the Costas have today born witness to what many on the scene are describing as “the greatest piece of historical revisionism to ever take place”. Sitting down to dinner to celebrate the 85th birthday of family matriarch Violet “Nonna” Wright, family members were reportedly taken aback to hear the beloved grandmother announce a strongly held belief that “people today are not as nice” as when she was growing up, a period which saw six million Jewish people ruthlessly killed in concentration camps.
“We used to be able to walk the streets at night without fear, but now I’m terrified to go past my postbox for all the gangs and thugs out there,” said Nonna, whose leafy suburban lifestyle in no way intersects with any gang or thug related activities. “Why just last week I saw a pack of six young men riding around on their bikes out on the street. How can I be sure they didn’t have guns?”
But the family’s assurances that the men certainly would not have been carrying guns, particularly given that guns have been outlawed in Australia for twenty years, failed to appease Nonna’s concern. “Speaking of guns, when are the politicians going to say enough is enough and do something about this Muslim problem?” persisted Nonna, who only minutes before had been reminiscing on the discrimination she had faced growing up with Italian heritage. “I think Trump was right to try and close those borders. Immigration is ruining our way of life.”
When pointed out that the apparent rise in terror attacks was largely due to people who would have previously been reported as “mentally disturbed” being re-categorised because of their skin colour, Nonna was unrepentant. “We never had mental illness problems in my day either, not like today.” said the woman whose brother died as a result of a ‘gun cleaning accident’ after returning from the war. “I think the problem is that people just aren’t tough anymore,” she continued, “they’re all far too coddled, with their constant need for ‘counselling’. Back in my day if people were depressed they just pushed their crippling issues deep down so they wouldn’t bother others.”
But when asked how a lifestyle of cheap housing, increased social freedoms, and easy access to employment hadn’t made her own generation coddled, Nonna would not be drawn, simply responding “Show some respect to your elders. Kids these days! You know back in my day we didn’t even have kids. Whose house is this? Is it breakfast time yet?” before moving on to insulting the furniture.