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Trump Unleashes Fury After Discovering Source of White House Leaks

[TRANSCRIPT: Interview with Donald Trump]

“Mr President, in recent weeks we’ve seen a number of major leaks of intelligence from within your Whitehouse, how can the American public feel safe at home knowing that this information is being distributed so freely and indiscriminately by your staff members?”

“Let me just say this, it’s been dealt with. Permanently.”

“So you’ve discovered the source of the leaks?”

“I can neither confirm nor deny that, but yes we have discovered the source of the leaks.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, what tipped you off?”

“Well you know there’s been a lot of hubbub, a lot of hubbub about this whole Russia leaks thing, so I asked my guys to look into it, you know, who’s behind leaking this stuff? And they came back to me and said “Donald, it’s Hue! Hue Arthur-Leaker” And I said well we better go get this guy because I want a piece of him, and I ask them, I say “where does this guy work?” and they said “right here in the oval office” and I was astounded! Right here under my nose the whole time! And so I asked them for a picture of him and they pulled up his Twitter profile, and there it was plain as day, him admitting to leaking this information. And boy you should have seen the kind of stuff he was posting. Complete mess. Incoherent. But anyway so I looked at this guy’s picture and I said “Hey I’ve seen this guy, I know him!” so I jumped up and ran to my bathroom and wouldn’t you know it there he was, right there in the room staring back at me. The creep.”

“So wait… you… it was your… I’m not sure if I’m following this, but are you saying the leaker was a man… in your bathroom?”

“Crazy right? I tried to tackle him, you know? Take him down, but he was too fast! He blocked me. But boy let me tell you, I gave him the chewing out of a lifetime. I went to town on him! Made fun of his stupid hair and his weird orange tan, and boy I didn’t hold any punches when telling him how terrible how he is at his job. And you know, he tried to shout over me the whole time. Well I wasn’t having it. I got my guys to arrest him. Problem solved. Bingo. Bada boom.”

“Well that… certainly is… something”

“Wait a minute. WHO’S THAT IN THE WINDOW OVER THERE.”

“Mr President please it’s just a refle…”

“DON’T THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY FROM ME YOU LEAKING BASTARD.”

“But sir, on the topic of North Korean sanctions, is it true that…”

“QUICK I THINK I SAW HIM GO THIS WAY! BANNON GET THE GUN!”

[END TRANSCRIPT]


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